Happy Monday everyone,
Well it's only the beginning and I feel great!!! Down a bit more this morning so I'm only a little bit heavier than I was at two weeks ago....almost back there!!! YAY! Right now I don't see it as losing weight so much as getting back to where I was...then the real loss begins again :)
So sticking with the taking it easier approach so far so good. Yesterdays food was great...wise choices...just had some popcorn last night (fairly late) with shakers so I'd likely be down more if I didn't have all that sodium. No biggie...drinking lakes of water today :)
Yesterday I didn't get any formal exercise in but I did do a lot in the form of chores. I gardened a bit, Kevin and I put up the cover on the gazebo out back and did some general tidying of the back yard. Also did some laundry, tidying of the house. And then Kevin had a double header so we went and watched that. First of all it's a fair hike to get from the parking lot to the diamonds which I love cause I'm working my way there :) Then I did alot of running after kids and holding babies...some of the guys bring their kids when the wives can't come and the rest of us watch them for them. I don't mind this at all as it keeps me on my feet and moving!!! So pretty much I didn't sit down yesterday until I got home at 9pm (I dropped Kevin and Becca off at home for showers and bed for her while I went to the grocery store) Yes I sat in the car but it's not the same LOL. I didn't stop going until 9pm and honestly it was great. I didn't feel like I was in a rush or anything all day I just kept moving.
Today is back to work so pretty much sitting at my desk all day...but that's okay I'm usually pretty good with getting my water in at work!!! Water water water!
Tonight I have a double header 8:15 and 9:30! It should be fun! I'll likely get home shower and collapse into bed LOL. Which remind me I need to buy bug spray today...saw the mosquitoes out yesterday...urg bugs suck!!!! But baseball is so much fun that it outways the annoying bugs.
Feeling great emotionally this week...back to being me again.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
New Week
Well the weekend has been busy but in a non stressful way. Yesterday was gymnastics and Kevin played golf with a friend while Becca and I went to visit my friend (hubby golfing with Kevin). So we end up going to Sheila's place (that's the friend) and she hasn't seen my parents in a long time (we were inseperable in high school...life makes you drift but they just had a baby 6 months ago so they are in the parent world now LOL) so she hadn't seen my parents and decided that she'd like to tag along as I was going there quickly to pick something up. We spent over an hour visiting with my mom who was having a great time with the baby. Then we went back to Sheila's for dinner and a bday celebration for her hubby. Now normally I would be worried about what I was going to end up eating and what I would say to avoid eating certain things but I took a different approach. I've been so stressed over food and weight loss I had decided that this weekend I was going to take it easy. Not lose control like the end of last week but just simply enjoy my food...if I didn't like it then I wasn't going to eat it, etc...portion control was the key.
So we get there and the chips come out...I had a few...but not handfulls like I would have in the past...a few here or there and I didn't feel like I needed them so I didn't have much more. Then dinner started and we had some grilled chicken, home made sweet potato fries, cucumber salad, corn on the cob, strawberries and cool whip for dessert and bday cake. Well normally I would be worried a pizza was being ordered or something like that but Sheila has always been one to make yummy healthy things so that was easy for me. But I could have gone overboard on cake and I didn't. I had small portions of everything and at one point I wanted to get seconds of the chicken because it tasted soooo good but then I thought it's not because I need it it's because I want it...and I realized as I was reaching for it that I didn't want it but I WANTED it. I know that doesn't make sense. I didn't want it because I felt hungry but I WANTED it like a little kid wants the bigger slice of cake because they want more than the other kids...so I politely put my hand back in my lap and left it. Weird what old habits can do. So I felt so proud of myself in that moment...weird that it was for chicken normally it's for sweets. Then we had strawberries and yes I had a peice of the cake but I didn't have that same sense of urgency after the cake...funny maybe it's because I just went through it with the chicken...maybe I wouldn't have had the same resolve for cake...so yay for the chicken episode. I feel so weird admitting that by the way...it's so childish. I did want a little more cake but not in the same way so I opted for another spoonful of strawberries...and after the meal I was satisfied...not stuffed like I would have been in the past...and it felt great.
We went home and I was going to stay up and watch some TV with Kevin but I realized as I snuggled next to the dog on the bed (went up and got ready before I was going to watch TV) that I was pretty tired so I opted to stay in bed. Kevin had to check his blood sugar and I guess he needed something before bed because I heard him making popcorn...and then I smelled it mmmmm!!! But I asked myself if I was really hungry or was I just wanting it because he was having some. I wasn't hungry at all...so (patting myself on the back here) I stayed in bed and fell asleep...this morning I woke up and I was down 1.5 lbs!!!
Everything in moderation my friends...and really listen to your body not your mind...the mind is crazy!!! LOL. Don't listen to it.
Today I haven't eaten yet...not because I'm not hungry or am trying not to eat...I just started with chores as soon as I got up and I forgot to eat until I'm typing about it just now LOL. That could be a first for me forgetting to eat BWAHAHAHAH. Awesome! See it's not important...eat to survive don't survive to eat. Plan for the rest of today...smoothie for breakfast I think...been craving one and lunch is so soon so no point in having anything too filling. Then it's onto gardening and setting up that backyard for the summer!!! LOVE IT! Oh and Kevin has a double header later today so Becca and I will go watch him play baseball!
Things are changing around here and in a good way! Kevin sent my resume off to a couple of job postings and then told me later LOL...guess I could have interviews in my future...maybe. A couple were above my level but we'll see...can't hurt to try. And I think my "meltdown" was likely a good thing for my stress levels...forced me to take a more relaxed approach to life in general...I'm sure it'll creep back up the way it was as that's nature...but for a while I'm going to enjoy this pace.
So we get there and the chips come out...I had a few...but not handfulls like I would have in the past...a few here or there and I didn't feel like I needed them so I didn't have much more. Then dinner started and we had some grilled chicken, home made sweet potato fries, cucumber salad, corn on the cob, strawberries and cool whip for dessert and bday cake. Well normally I would be worried a pizza was being ordered or something like that but Sheila has always been one to make yummy healthy things so that was easy for me. But I could have gone overboard on cake and I didn't. I had small portions of everything and at one point I wanted to get seconds of the chicken because it tasted soooo good but then I thought it's not because I need it it's because I want it...and I realized as I was reaching for it that I didn't want it but I WANTED it. I know that doesn't make sense. I didn't want it because I felt hungry but I WANTED it like a little kid wants the bigger slice of cake because they want more than the other kids...so I politely put my hand back in my lap and left it. Weird what old habits can do. So I felt so proud of myself in that moment...weird that it was for chicken normally it's for sweets. Then we had strawberries and yes I had a peice of the cake but I didn't have that same sense of urgency after the cake...funny maybe it's because I just went through it with the chicken...maybe I wouldn't have had the same resolve for cake...so yay for the chicken episode. I feel so weird admitting that by the way...it's so childish. I did want a little more cake but not in the same way so I opted for another spoonful of strawberries...and after the meal I was satisfied...not stuffed like I would have been in the past...and it felt great.
We went home and I was going to stay up and watch some TV with Kevin but I realized as I snuggled next to the dog on the bed (went up and got ready before I was going to watch TV) that I was pretty tired so I opted to stay in bed. Kevin had to check his blood sugar and I guess he needed something before bed because I heard him making popcorn...and then I smelled it mmmmm!!! But I asked myself if I was really hungry or was I just wanting it because he was having some. I wasn't hungry at all...so (patting myself on the back here) I stayed in bed and fell asleep...this morning I woke up and I was down 1.5 lbs!!!
Everything in moderation my friends...and really listen to your body not your mind...the mind is crazy!!! LOL. Don't listen to it.
Today I haven't eaten yet...not because I'm not hungry or am trying not to eat...I just started with chores as soon as I got up and I forgot to eat until I'm typing about it just now LOL. That could be a first for me forgetting to eat BWAHAHAHAH. Awesome! See it's not important...eat to survive don't survive to eat. Plan for the rest of today...smoothie for breakfast I think...been craving one and lunch is so soon so no point in having anything too filling. Then it's onto gardening and setting up that backyard for the summer!!! LOVE IT! Oh and Kevin has a double header later today so Becca and I will go watch him play baseball!
Things are changing around here and in a good way! Kevin sent my resume off to a couple of job postings and then told me later LOL...guess I could have interviews in my future...maybe. A couple were above my level but we'll see...can't hurt to try. And I think my "meltdown" was likely a good thing for my stress levels...forced me to take a more relaxed approach to life in general...I'm sure it'll creep back up the way it was as that's nature...but for a while I'm going to enjoy this pace.
Friday, May 14, 2010
inspirational quote
A collegue of mine at work sent me an email today about a deer that fits in the hands of a man...it was delivered by c-section when the mom was hit by a car and when they couldn't save the mom they delivered the baby. It seriously made me cry at my desk. There was a quote at the end that really spoke to me.
'Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.'
I guess I haven't been coping with it so much in the last little while when you look at my middle of the night post from last night. I will deal with things as they come from now on. No more worrying about the future I can't control the future...what happens, happens. I need to deal with things as they happen rather than just hiding my feelings.
That means making a decision for myself rather than letting other people do it for me (Kev will be happy for dinner choices LOL...he always gets so frustrated when we try to figure out dinner it's always what do you want I don't know what do you want LOL...I can't promise I won't do that still but I will be better and not do it so often LOL).
BTW I slept like a baby after spilling my emotions out last night!!!! That's the first time I've been brutally honest with myself let alone share it. Although I see this not so much as sharing but a place for me to make sense of things for myself.
Emotionally today I'm a mess...but in a good way if that makes sense. I'm crying at the drop of a hat but more like in a healing way than a pity party. Just sweet things were setting me off like that email...and I feel fragile but I'm not hiding anymore and maybe that's why...more like I'm exposed. People normally just see happy Pam at work with the odd moment of stress Pam peaking through...this is bare, raw, open me! (don't be a perv Kev) not that I'm not that happy Pam for the most part...but I'm one of those people that tries not to cry at Becca's recitals or school plays because I always saw crying as weakness. I cry when I get angry and it's very frustrating because I can't get across what I'm intending and end up looking weak...so I end up not crying for the things I should like that video yesterday or Becca's recitals and end up crying when I'm mad or frustrated...maybe if I cry more about those videos and happy things I won't cry so much when I'm mad and will actually be able to say what I need to LOL. Who knows...all I know is that the mask is off and the real me is out there to live in the real world!!!! No more hiding!
'Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.'
I guess I haven't been coping with it so much in the last little while when you look at my middle of the night post from last night. I will deal with things as they come from now on. No more worrying about the future I can't control the future...what happens, happens. I need to deal with things as they happen rather than just hiding my feelings.
That means making a decision for myself rather than letting other people do it for me (Kev will be happy for dinner choices LOL...he always gets so frustrated when we try to figure out dinner it's always what do you want I don't know what do you want LOL...I can't promise I won't do that still but I will be better and not do it so often LOL).
BTW I slept like a baby after spilling my emotions out last night!!!! That's the first time I've been brutally honest with myself let alone share it. Although I see this not so much as sharing but a place for me to make sense of things for myself.
Emotionally today I'm a mess...but in a good way if that makes sense. I'm crying at the drop of a hat but more like in a healing way than a pity party. Just sweet things were setting me off like that email...and I feel fragile but I'm not hiding anymore and maybe that's why...more like I'm exposed. People normally just see happy Pam at work with the odd moment of stress Pam peaking through...this is bare, raw, open me! (don't be a perv Kev) not that I'm not that happy Pam for the most part...but I'm one of those people that tries not to cry at Becca's recitals or school plays because I always saw crying as weakness. I cry when I get angry and it's very frustrating because I can't get across what I'm intending and end up looking weak...so I end up not crying for the things I should like that video yesterday or Becca's recitals and end up crying when I'm mad or frustrated...maybe if I cry more about those videos and happy things I won't cry so much when I'm mad and will actually be able to say what I need to LOL. Who knows...all I know is that the mask is off and the real me is out there to live in the real world!!!! No more hiding!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
insomnia
So I'm sitting her crying! yep I don't really know why but it all started because I found some old videos of Becca when she was about 2 and a half years old. And at first they just made me laugh and I teared up a bit. But then tonight as I'm trying to sleep I started to feel panicky about work tomorrow. Not because of work itself but because it means I have to be away from Becca. I guess I realized when I saw those videos how much she's grown up and I feel like I've missed out. I spend all my time thinking about the future and making things better for our lives that I miss out on the now. and for some reason I feel like time has just flown by and I've missed my daughter...like I blinked and she's grown up. I know I know she's only 7.5 but still my baby is not a baby anymore. I don't want more babies I just want my baby to be that baby again. I know this is so silly but I needed to work this out. I need to sleep and thinking about it is keeping me awake. I literally felt naseous laying in bed I didn't want to wake Kevin so I got up and came into the office. And here I am rambling. I peeked in on Becca on my way past and it was all I could do not to snuggle up to her...but I was afraid I was going to start crying and I don't want to wake her up either. All this living for the future has made me forget how to enjoy the now. I always ALWAYS worry about money and if I lose my job would we lose the house and I gotta say it's extremely stressful when you worry like that all the time. Instead of just living in the now and dealing with things as they happen I think 3 steps ahead so my life is just one be ball of stress. And sadly it's all my own fault! Kevin lives in the now and Becca of course does she's 7 LOL. Why can't I figure it out. Why can't I just stop worrying and just live. It's like I always want things to be better than they are but my life is awesome. I married the man of my dreams, I have a wonderful polite child, I have loving family and friends seriously my life is great why can't I just be happy with what I have!!! And it's not like I'm wanting a bigger house or something like that or keeping up with the Jones'. It's not that I'm unhappy with how my life turned out...I love Kevin and Becca and our lives together...I guess I'm just unhappy with me.
I always wanted to be a stay at home mom and honestly in this day and age it's just too hard to do that. You need two incomes to survive. Kevin provides for this family so well but they don't make it so that you can live off one income. Unless we sold our house and moved into a small home in a bad area and I just couldn't move Becca again. and really that wouldn't be enough for me to stay home either. I've never had that ah ha moment of what I want to do with my life...if you asked me as a child it was teacher or nurse or model hahah I know but as I got older non of those options interested me or were an option for the latter one. I guess I just feel personally lost...I don't know who I am. Just Pam. I know me as a wife and as a mom and I wouldn't change any of that. But who am I? I've always just been who I'm supposed to be according to the people around me at the time. now what? Now that Becca is older and doesn't need my attention every second now what do I do? I've always focused so much on what I'm supposed to be I've forgotten who I am. It's like Julia Roberts in the Runaway Bride...she likes eggs a certain way because that's how the men she was with had them...and then one day she decided to try them all and figure out which one she REALLY liked. Only it's not eggs...it's life. What do I want out of life? I have no clue. I would like not to worry about money, and I would like to just wake up and be me (the skinny me I know is down there somewhere)...I just want to wake up and have it all figured out...hey maybe that's my problem with food...filling this void. I tried to fill it with Kevin and Becca but they can only fill it so much...this is about me as an individual not a mom or a wife. At least I have those areas of my life in check because right now that's who I am.
I have to stop typing I can't see the screen anymore...it's all blurry from teary eyes and no glasses LOL. that and I think I've cleared my head enough to sleep maybe...guess I've needed to let that out for a while. Sadly I'm not any closer to figuring out what I want or who I am I just know that I need to figure it out...too bad I don't know how to do that. I once heard a saying a person without any dreams is a person who is lost...they have nothing to strive for. But I don't have any dreams...just ramblings apparently. So weird that I can have everything that people want and yet still be so lost.
Kevin honey I don't want you to think this has anything to do with you...you are my soulmate and I couldn't be happier with who we are as a couple and a family...just trying to figure me out for once. It's like I've been keeping myself busy for so long or something...I just never wanted to address my issues.
I always wanted to be a stay at home mom and honestly in this day and age it's just too hard to do that. You need two incomes to survive. Kevin provides for this family so well but they don't make it so that you can live off one income. Unless we sold our house and moved into a small home in a bad area and I just couldn't move Becca again. and really that wouldn't be enough for me to stay home either. I've never had that ah ha moment of what I want to do with my life...if you asked me as a child it was teacher or nurse or model hahah I know but as I got older non of those options interested me or were an option for the latter one. I guess I just feel personally lost...I don't know who I am. Just Pam. I know me as a wife and as a mom and I wouldn't change any of that. But who am I? I've always just been who I'm supposed to be according to the people around me at the time. now what? Now that Becca is older and doesn't need my attention every second now what do I do? I've always focused so much on what I'm supposed to be I've forgotten who I am. It's like Julia Roberts in the Runaway Bride...she likes eggs a certain way because that's how the men she was with had them...and then one day she decided to try them all and figure out which one she REALLY liked. Only it's not eggs...it's life. What do I want out of life? I have no clue. I would like not to worry about money, and I would like to just wake up and be me (the skinny me I know is down there somewhere)...I just want to wake up and have it all figured out...hey maybe that's my problem with food...filling this void. I tried to fill it with Kevin and Becca but they can only fill it so much...this is about me as an individual not a mom or a wife. At least I have those areas of my life in check because right now that's who I am.
I have to stop typing I can't see the screen anymore...it's all blurry from teary eyes and no glasses LOL. that and I think I've cleared my head enough to sleep maybe...guess I've needed to let that out for a while. Sadly I'm not any closer to figuring out what I want or who I am I just know that I need to figure it out...too bad I don't know how to do that. I once heard a saying a person without any dreams is a person who is lost...they have nothing to strive for. But I don't have any dreams...just ramblings apparently. So weird that I can have everything that people want and yet still be so lost.
Kevin honey I don't want you to think this has anything to do with you...you are my soulmate and I couldn't be happier with who we are as a couple and a family...just trying to figure me out for once. It's like I've been keeping myself busy for so long or something...I just never wanted to address my issues.
more reflections (LONG ONE SORRY GUYS)
Well I'm home again today...girly issues! Don't worry booking an appointment to see the doctor...last time I saw her she mentioned putting me on the pill...and I might just HAVE to do that. Don't really want to. Don't like the idea of putting chemicals in my body especially when I am trying to cut them out of my diet...but c'est la vie.
For now it might be exactly what I need to get my hormones in check so I can really drop the weight. Hormones fluctuating is one of my many issues with weight. Thyroid, bad eating habits (that's the biggie of course) and hormones are my main issues.
Thyroid is under control with meds (can't avoid that one it's hereditary for me stupid Hasimoto's)
Bad eating habits are what I'm trying to change every day some I win some I lose (ice cream, pop)...but these are an ongoing life long sort of thing that I will find a balance for. I won't "overcome" them as that's unrealistic...but I will find a balance...I'm getting closer I swear.
As for the hormones...well if I don't go on the pill then I'm going to continue with being moody and bloating and unexplained weight gain overnight and the list goes on and on and on. A week or two before my period I start my cravings and bloating and generally crankiness. Then comes the feelings of dispair and helplessness that want the chocolate for comfort (which is really weird because if you know me you know I'm generally a very happy person so really feeling those feelings kind of makes me angry or anxious because there's no reason to feel that way...I would understand if I felt that way if my life was in turmoil or I was unhappy but that's not the case for me...it's hormonal and it sucks)...then I feel like that I want to give up on weight loss...I know I want to be a better me but at that point I really don't care anymore. I also feel like a terrible wife and mom then because well I feel like I'm yelling all the time and I'm biting their heads off.
Also and sorry for TMI but this is how I sort through my feelings and vent so you're going to hear it if you read it and if someone else is going through the same sort of things maybe it'll help them :) So as I was saying also my sex drive is soooo low...I was explaining to Kevin it's not that I don't want to have sex with him...I'm just not interested in sex at all!!! I'm waiting for that 30 something drive to set in and it hasn't, it's done the opposite. I could seriously go without it and it wouldn't bother me. Again don't get me wrong I love being intimate with my husband and when things to happen they are wonderful...just that if he didn't make the move it wouldn't happen really.
Right back on track here...so after the moodiness when aunt flo does decide to appear cause let's be honest here it could be 28 days and it could be 52 days...only thing is the hormone crankiness levels start around that 28 days and if she doesn't show until 52 days I'm just cranky and moody for a lot of that time span. Then when it starts I get all weepy and super crampy for the first couple of days plus other issues which I'm going to see the doctor about.
After that I'm back to me...day 3 and on is usually happy normal Pam again. So long story even longer...I'm going to see about going on the pill so I can level out my hormones so I can be me again. Or at least shorten the whole moody timeline and maybe have a normal cycle. If I could do that, then it would be easier for me to stay on track and I truly believe my weight loss journey will be alot shorter than it's been.
The last time I tried to lose weight just after Becca was born my cycle was perfect for the first time in my life. Before Becca, I was messed up too just not to this extent, pregnancy was awesome for me...I hardly gained anything and I was overweight to start with...198 lbs when I conceived...by the time I was full term with her I had only gained 12 lbs....after I gave birth I was 195 lbs...great weight loss program LOL...then I sat on the couch with my newborn and ate chips all day and watched the gameshow network (I was addicted to retro game shows weird right? Match game was my favourite and they were really dirty minded LOL).
I got up to 209.4 (I will always remember that number) it's the day I'd had enough and started weight watchers it was the highest I had ever been in my life and I didn't see me in the mirror anymore. I lost 50lbs in 3 months...I felt great and I was getting compliments all the time so I stopped losing and maintained for a good long time!!! It took 6 years to gain it all back and then some...my highest I got this time was 220lbs!!!! Thankfully I've lost almost 25 of that but it's been so much harder this time. I have to say I hit rock bottom, and was just as focused as the first time if not more, but it just hasn't dropped! The difference I think is HORMONES!!!!
Stupid Estrogen!!! So to make a really long story well let's face it even longer LOL that's my plan.
See Dr - go on pill - have normal cycle - ability to lose weight increases!!! Should have addressed this a long time ago but it's my bias against the pill that kept me from doing it. (never had a cramp in my life...when on the pill in college and bammo cramps from hell started...went off the pill they stayed!!!! it was a curse. Of course had I talked to the dr about it they would have put me on something more compatible for my body and it would have been fine but I was 19 and decided it was bad for me and went off it).
Seriously ending my rambling now...just really needed to sort out what I need to do and this really does help!!! and I'm a rambler :)
For now it might be exactly what I need to get my hormones in check so I can really drop the weight. Hormones fluctuating is one of my many issues with weight. Thyroid, bad eating habits (that's the biggie of course) and hormones are my main issues.
Thyroid is under control with meds (can't avoid that one it's hereditary for me stupid Hasimoto's)
Bad eating habits are what I'm trying to change every day some I win some I lose (ice cream, pop)...but these are an ongoing life long sort of thing that I will find a balance for. I won't "overcome" them as that's unrealistic...but I will find a balance...I'm getting closer I swear.
As for the hormones...well if I don't go on the pill then I'm going to continue with being moody and bloating and unexplained weight gain overnight and the list goes on and on and on. A week or two before my period I start my cravings and bloating and generally crankiness. Then comes the feelings of dispair and helplessness that want the chocolate for comfort (which is really weird because if you know me you know I'm generally a very happy person so really feeling those feelings kind of makes me angry or anxious because there's no reason to feel that way...I would understand if I felt that way if my life was in turmoil or I was unhappy but that's not the case for me...it's hormonal and it sucks)...then I feel like that I want to give up on weight loss...I know I want to be a better me but at that point I really don't care anymore. I also feel like a terrible wife and mom then because well I feel like I'm yelling all the time and I'm biting their heads off.
Also and sorry for TMI but this is how I sort through my feelings and vent so you're going to hear it if you read it and if someone else is going through the same sort of things maybe it'll help them :) So as I was saying also my sex drive is soooo low...I was explaining to Kevin it's not that I don't want to have sex with him...I'm just not interested in sex at all!!! I'm waiting for that 30 something drive to set in and it hasn't, it's done the opposite. I could seriously go without it and it wouldn't bother me. Again don't get me wrong I love being intimate with my husband and when things to happen they are wonderful...just that if he didn't make the move it wouldn't happen really.
Right back on track here...so after the moodiness when aunt flo does decide to appear cause let's be honest here it could be 28 days and it could be 52 days...only thing is the hormone crankiness levels start around that 28 days and if she doesn't show until 52 days I'm just cranky and moody for a lot of that time span. Then when it starts I get all weepy and super crampy for the first couple of days plus other issues which I'm going to see the doctor about.
After that I'm back to me...day 3 and on is usually happy normal Pam again. So long story even longer...I'm going to see about going on the pill so I can level out my hormones so I can be me again. Or at least shorten the whole moody timeline and maybe have a normal cycle. If I could do that, then it would be easier for me to stay on track and I truly believe my weight loss journey will be alot shorter than it's been.
The last time I tried to lose weight just after Becca was born my cycle was perfect for the first time in my life. Before Becca, I was messed up too just not to this extent, pregnancy was awesome for me...I hardly gained anything and I was overweight to start with...198 lbs when I conceived...by the time I was full term with her I had only gained 12 lbs....after I gave birth I was 195 lbs...great weight loss program LOL...then I sat on the couch with my newborn and ate chips all day and watched the gameshow network (I was addicted to retro game shows weird right? Match game was my favourite and they were really dirty minded LOL).
I got up to 209.4 (I will always remember that number) it's the day I'd had enough and started weight watchers it was the highest I had ever been in my life and I didn't see me in the mirror anymore. I lost 50lbs in 3 months...I felt great and I was getting compliments all the time so I stopped losing and maintained for a good long time!!! It took 6 years to gain it all back and then some...my highest I got this time was 220lbs!!!! Thankfully I've lost almost 25 of that but it's been so much harder this time. I have to say I hit rock bottom, and was just as focused as the first time if not more, but it just hasn't dropped! The difference I think is HORMONES!!!!
Stupid Estrogen!!! So to make a really long story well let's face it even longer LOL that's my plan.
See Dr - go on pill - have normal cycle - ability to lose weight increases!!! Should have addressed this a long time ago but it's my bias against the pill that kept me from doing it. (never had a cramp in my life...when on the pill in college and bammo cramps from hell started...went off the pill they stayed!!!! it was a curse. Of course had I talked to the dr about it they would have put me on something more compatible for my body and it would have been fine but I was 19 and decided it was bad for me and went off it).
Seriously ending my rambling now...just really needed to sort out what I need to do and this really does help!!! and I'm a rambler :)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Laughter and other things
Well I was thinking about what you girls were saying about laughter and how good it is for you and I remembered something about how laughter burns calories too...not just a giggle here or there but full on belly laughing! Honestly this is good news for me...cause I get in trouble for laughing too loud all the time. At work we've even had people come and slam the lunch room door shut because we were in there laughing so loud...oops. Whatever...it's lunch and we are laughing...deal with it :) And Kevin always feels so sorry for people sitting in front of me at the theatre...oh and people who go with me tend to be embarassed for some reason. :) I can't help it...if something is funny you are supposed to laugh. I can't help it if I'm loud! Besides I'm burning calories! hahahaha
So TOM is here finally (sorry if TMI for some) THANK GOD!!!!!!! I hate when my hormones get all screwy then my weight just says that's fine I'll fluctuate all over the place so you have no idea what to expect. Now we can get back to normal for a few weeks before the roller coaster starts again. It would also explain how down and out I was feeling a few days ago...I feel so in control today!!!! Don't get me wrong I am under the weather and home from work (headache combined with cramps sucks) but I feel in control of my habit...that I'm not just going to go and consume all the food in the house while I'm here...or run out and buy a bunch of junk. I know my weight will be up today at weigh in...that's normal for that time for me...but it'll be gone by Friday for sure!
My biggest concern these days is being in control on the weekends. This weekend we are going to a friend's house for a bday celebration which includes dinner and dessert. Now dinner should be okay I think...she tends to make healthy stuff so we'll see...as for dessert it's his bday so I can't control what's there...but I can control what I take and how much I eat of it. I only need a taste to make them not feel bad and I don't need anything for me...I just can't let the taste become more and more and more!!! Water will be my drink of choice NOT DIET PEPSI!!!!!
Hey let's check the list again.
1. Journalling - check
2. baseball - Monday done
3. P90X - I'll do XStretch today
4. water - working on it
5. no soda - did awesome yesterday and will repeat today
6. lactose free - I had yogurt and frozen yogurt...but I really don't want to cut out the yogurt (frozen yogurt I will but regular is so good for you and it's all natural with fruit so it's pure digestive enzyme goodness) so lactose free from now on will be everything but my yogurt at lunch and sometimes breakfast.
7. blog - check
8. honest and kind to me - yep so far so good ;)
9. Gabriel Method - had the I-Pod going last night...I think I could hear it better over the humidifier so even better...sorry Kev if you could still hear it.
So far so good....I'll get my P90X Stretching in today sometime and we'll be checking off all on the list for a first!!!! woohoo!!!!
Whooshaw Lisa :)
So TOM is here finally (sorry if TMI for some) THANK GOD!!!!!!! I hate when my hormones get all screwy then my weight just says that's fine I'll fluctuate all over the place so you have no idea what to expect. Now we can get back to normal for a few weeks before the roller coaster starts again. It would also explain how down and out I was feeling a few days ago...I feel so in control today!!!! Don't get me wrong I am under the weather and home from work (headache combined with cramps sucks) but I feel in control of my habit...that I'm not just going to go and consume all the food in the house while I'm here...or run out and buy a bunch of junk. I know my weight will be up today at weigh in...that's normal for that time for me...but it'll be gone by Friday for sure!
My biggest concern these days is being in control on the weekends. This weekend we are going to a friend's house for a bday celebration which includes dinner and dessert. Now dinner should be okay I think...she tends to make healthy stuff so we'll see...as for dessert it's his bday so I can't control what's there...but I can control what I take and how much I eat of it. I only need a taste to make them not feel bad and I don't need anything for me...I just can't let the taste become more and more and more!!! Water will be my drink of choice NOT DIET PEPSI!!!!!
Hey let's check the list again.
1. Journalling - check
2. baseball - Monday done
3. P90X - I'll do XStretch today
4. water - working on it
5. no soda - did awesome yesterday and will repeat today
6. lactose free - I had yogurt and frozen yogurt...but I really don't want to cut out the yogurt (frozen yogurt I will but regular is so good for you and it's all natural with fruit so it's pure digestive enzyme goodness) so lactose free from now on will be everything but my yogurt at lunch and sometimes breakfast.
7. blog - check
8. honest and kind to me - yep so far so good ;)
9. Gabriel Method - had the I-Pod going last night...I think I could hear it better over the humidifier so even better...sorry Kev if you could still hear it.
So far so good....I'll get my P90X Stretching in today sometime and we'll be checking off all on the list for a first!!!! woohoo!!!!
Whooshaw Lisa :)
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Day 2 - so tired but it's good
I can't stop yawning today! I had so much trouble getting out of bed. Seriously the last few weeks have been like that I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I don't know why! But I'm listening to my body as best I can...I mean I havn't gone to bed early as I'm addicted to my TV shows but finale's are coming up and it will be done soon yay!!! Tonight is BL and I'm all excited it's crunch time for them. My plan for tonight is to take Becca to Jazz, have a healthy dinner, get Becca ready for bed (bath, reading, etc) then do the Wii Fit while I watch BL likely the stepping exercises as I can do that while watching and it's fun. Kevin will be doing the treadmill tonight for sure!!!!! Right Kevin?!?! Last night we got home and Kev was supposed to do the treadmill while I got Becca ready for bed...only to open the door and find garbage all over the house. Yep our dog is pretty good and he doesn't tend to go for the garbage but there was some tin foil that fish had been grilled in that was just TOO appealing for him to resist. Now it wasn't in the garbage can in the kitchen...nope I had put it in a big garbage bag and put it in the laundry room to go outside the next time we went (only we forgot as we left for baseball oops) well he dragged it through the house all the way to the family room in the back of the house...so from the laundry room through the hallway, past the kitchen, into the living room was a trail of garbage...So Kevin's workout last night was picking up the trash, vacuuming, and then mopping the floors which he had just done on Saturday morning...what a good hubby he is. My floors are gleaming :)
Let's see here's the check list
1. journalling - check
2. baseball - of course
3. P90X - still not yet
4. water - check
5. no soda...dropped the ball yet again...but none today!!!!!
6. lactose free - sadly ice cream is in the house
7. blog - check
8. honest and kind to me - I will be today
9. Gabriel Method - every night although Kevin informed me last night that it's annoying so it looks like I'm back to listening to it on my I-Pod rather than the stereo at night.
Today is still fairly cool and I don't have time to walk at lunch as it's allergy needle day and it's supposed to rain the rest of the week (SUCKS LARGE). I've really been enjoying my lunch time walks.
I feel pretty good right now. I feel strong and yes I know my scale is still up but so be it. It will come back down when it's ready.
Back to my water I go :)
Let's see here's the check list
1. journalling - check
2. baseball - of course
3. P90X - still not yet
4. water - check
5. no soda...dropped the ball yet again...but none today!!!!!
6. lactose free - sadly ice cream is in the house
7. blog - check
8. honest and kind to me - I will be today
9. Gabriel Method - every night although Kevin informed me last night that it's annoying so it looks like I'm back to listening to it on my I-Pod rather than the stereo at night.
Today is still fairly cool and I don't have time to walk at lunch as it's allergy needle day and it's supposed to rain the rest of the week (SUCKS LARGE). I've really been enjoying my lunch time walks.
I feel pretty good right now. I feel strong and yes I know my scale is still up but so be it. It will come back down when it's ready.
Back to my water I go :)
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