insomnia

So I'm sitting her crying! yep I don't really know why but it all started because I found some old videos of Becca when she was about 2 and a half years old. And at first they just made me laugh and I teared up a bit. But then tonight as I'm trying to sleep I started to feel panicky about work tomorrow. Not because of work itself but because it means I have to be away from Becca. I guess I realized when I saw those videos how much she's grown up and I feel like I've missed out. I spend all my time thinking about the future and making things better for our lives that I miss out on the now. and for some reason I feel like time has just flown by and I've missed my daughter...like I blinked and she's grown up. I know I know she's only 7.5 but still my baby is not a baby anymore. I don't want more babies I just want my baby to be that baby again. I know this is so silly but I needed to work this out. I need to sleep and thinking about it is keeping me awake. I literally felt naseous laying in bed I didn't want to wake Kevin so I got up and came into the office. And here I am rambling. I peeked in on Becca on my way past and it was all I could do not to snuggle up to her...but I was afraid I was going to start crying and I don't want to wake her up either. All this living for the future has made me forget how to enjoy the now. I always ALWAYS worry about money and if I lose my job would we lose the house and I gotta say it's extremely stressful when you worry like that all the time. Instead of just living in the now and dealing with things as they happen I think 3 steps ahead so my life is just one be ball of stress. And sadly it's all my own fault! Kevin lives in the now and Becca of course does she's 7 LOL. Why can't I figure it out. Why can't I just stop worrying and just live. It's like I always want things to be better than they are but my life is awesome. I married the man of my dreams, I have a wonderful polite child, I have loving family and friends seriously my life is great why can't I just be happy with what I have!!! And it's not like I'm wanting a bigger house or something like that or keeping up with the Jones'. It's not that I'm unhappy with how my life turned out...I love Kevin and Becca and our lives together...I guess I'm just unhappy with me.

I always wanted to be a stay at home mom and honestly in this day and age it's just too hard to do that. You need two incomes to survive. Kevin provides for this family so well but they don't make it so that you can live off one income. Unless we sold our house and moved into a small home in a bad area and I just couldn't move Becca again. and really that wouldn't be enough for me to stay home either. I've never had that ah ha moment of what I want to do with my life...if you asked me as a child it was teacher or nurse or model hahah I know but as I got older non of those options interested me or were an option for the latter one. I guess I just feel personally lost...I don't know who I am. Just Pam. I know me as a wife and as a mom and I wouldn't change any of that. But who am I? I've always just been who I'm supposed to be according to the people around me at the time. now what? Now that Becca is older and doesn't need my attention every second now what do I do? I've always focused so much on what I'm supposed to be I've forgotten who I am. It's like Julia Roberts in the Runaway Bride...she likes eggs a certain way because that's how the men she was with had them...and then one day she decided to try them all and figure out which one she REALLY liked. Only it's not eggs...it's life. What do I want out of life? I have no clue. I would like not to worry about money, and I would like to just wake up and be me (the skinny me I know is down there somewhere)...I just want to wake up and have it all figured out...hey maybe that's my problem with food...filling this void. I tried to fill it with Kevin and Becca but they can only fill it so much...this is about me as an individual not a mom or a wife. At least I have those areas of my life in check because right now that's who I am.

I have to stop typing I can't see the screen anymore...it's all blurry from teary eyes and no glasses LOL. that and I think I've cleared my head enough to sleep maybe...guess I've needed to let that out for a while. Sadly I'm not any closer to figuring out what I want or who I am I just know that I need to figure it out...too bad I don't know how to do that. I once heard a saying a person without any dreams is a person who is lost...they have nothing to strive for. But I don't have any dreams...just ramblings apparently. So weird that I can have everything that people want and yet still be so lost.

Kevin honey I don't want you to think this has anything to do with you...you are my soulmate and I couldn't be happier with who we are as a couple and a family...just trying to figure me out for once. It's like I've been keeping myself busy for so long or something...I just never wanted to address my issues.