more reflections (LONG ONE SORRY GUYS)

Well I'm home again today...girly issues! Don't worry booking an appointment to see the doctor...last time I saw her she mentioned putting me on the pill...and I might just HAVE to do that. Don't really want to. Don't like the idea of putting chemicals in my body especially when I am trying to cut them out of my diet...but c'est la vie.

For now it might be exactly what I need to get my hormones in check so I can really drop the weight. Hormones fluctuating is one of my many issues with weight. Thyroid, bad eating habits (that's the biggie of course) and hormones are my main issues.

Thyroid is under control with meds (can't avoid that one it's hereditary for me stupid Hasimoto's)

Bad eating habits are what I'm trying to change every day some I win some I lose (ice cream, pop)...but these are an ongoing life long sort of thing that I will find a balance for. I won't "overcome" them as that's unrealistic...but I will find a balance...I'm getting closer I swear.

As for the hormones...well if I don't go on the pill then I'm going to continue with being moody and bloating and unexplained weight gain overnight and the list goes on and on and on. A week or two before my period I start my cravings and bloating and generally crankiness. Then comes the feelings of dispair and helplessness that want the chocolate for comfort (which is really weird because if you know me you know I'm generally a very happy person so really feeling those feelings kind of makes me angry or anxious because there's no reason to feel that way...I would understand if I felt that way if my life was in turmoil or I was unhappy but that's not the case for me...it's hormonal and it sucks)...then I feel like that I want to give up on weight loss...I know I want to be a better me but at that point I really don't care anymore. I also feel like a terrible wife and mom then because well I feel like I'm yelling all the time and I'm biting their heads off.

Also and sorry for TMI but this is how I sort through my feelings and vent so you're going to hear it if you read it and if someone else is going through the same sort of things maybe it'll help them :) So as I was saying also my sex drive is soooo low...I was explaining to Kevin it's not that I don't want to have sex with him...I'm just not interested in sex at all!!! I'm waiting for that 30 something drive to set in and it hasn't, it's done the opposite. I could seriously go without it and it wouldn't bother me. Again don't get me wrong I love being intimate with my husband and when things to happen they are wonderful...just that if he didn't make the move it wouldn't happen really.

Right back on track here...so after the moodiness when aunt flo does decide to appear cause let's be honest here it could be 28 days and it could be 52 days...only thing is the hormone crankiness levels start around that 28 days and if she doesn't show until 52 days I'm just cranky and moody for a lot of that time span. Then when it starts I get all weepy and super crampy for the first couple of days plus other issues which I'm going to see the doctor about.

After that I'm back to me...day 3 and on is usually happy normal Pam again. So long story even longer...I'm going to see about going on the pill so I can level out my hormones so I can be me again. Or at least shorten the whole moody timeline and maybe have a normal cycle. If I could do that, then it would be easier for me to stay on track and I truly believe my weight loss journey will be alot shorter than it's been.

The last time I tried to lose weight just after Becca was born my cycle was perfect for the first time in my life. Before Becca, I was messed up too just not to this extent, pregnancy was awesome for me...I hardly gained anything and I was overweight to start with...198 lbs when I conceived...by the time I was full term with her I had only gained 12 lbs....after I gave birth I was 195 lbs...great weight loss program LOL...then I sat on the couch with my newborn and ate chips all day and watched the gameshow network (I was addicted to retro game shows weird right? Match game was my favourite and they were really dirty minded LOL).

I got up to 209.4 (I will always remember that number) it's the day I'd had enough and started weight watchers it was the highest I had ever been in my life and I didn't see me in the mirror anymore. I lost 50lbs in 3 months...I felt great and I was getting compliments all the time so I stopped losing and maintained for a good long time!!! It took 6 years to gain it all back and then some...my highest I got this time was 220lbs!!!! Thankfully I've lost almost 25 of that but it's been so much harder this time. I have to say I hit rock bottom, and was just as focused as the first time if not more, but it just hasn't dropped! The difference I think is HORMONES!!!!

Stupid Estrogen!!! So to make a really long story well let's face it even longer LOL that's my plan.

See Dr - go on pill - have normal cycle - ability to lose weight increases!!! Should have addressed this a long time ago but it's my bias against the pill that kept me from doing it. (never had a cramp in my life...when on the pill in college and bammo cramps from hell started...went off the pill they stayed!!!! it was a curse. Of course had I talked to the dr about it they would have put me on something more compatible for my body and it would have been fine but I was 19 and decided it was bad for me and went off it).

Seriously ending my rambling now...just really needed to sort out what I need to do and this really does help!!! and I'm a rambler :)