where'd my motivation go

Seriously....again?!?! What is this! I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm not eating bad but I'm just not motivated. It's like the end is so far away that I'm just disheartened. I know the drill set mini goals do things you enjoy, blah blah blah...but it's such a roller coaster. highs and lows...I feel like in the world of weight loss I'm bi-polar! I go from pure energy and let's kick ass to the next day woe is me and I'll never get there. urg!

That's all I have to say...just needed to vent...off to drink more water!

Lisa where are you...we miss you :(

Well it's amazing how much I can say I'm on the ball and not BE on the ball LOL. I keep trying and keep finding myself overeating. Well I didn't overeat so much as I wanted to.

Yesterday I had yogurt, orange, a few mouthfuls of an awful salad, yogurt with granola and berries, whole wheat croissant (felt like it), egg scramble with peas and feta and toast with becel, then a strawberry smoothie.

At lunch I went to the store to get a chicken wrap but they didn't have any of the light ones I like so I got a salad instead but took a few bites and didn't really like it so much...so I threw it out. One thing I have to mention and I'm soooo proud of this...I wanted a chocolate bar soooo bad. They were on two for a dollar and I really wanted it...but I said no and grabbed the yogurt with granola and berries instead. That didn't quite curb my sweet tooth but thank goodness I didn't have any change in my purse cause I would have gone to the vending machine for a treat if I had. I should have been strong but I was weak...I made it through the afternoon without a snack as my other orange was all dried up and sour yuck. I got home had the egg scramble my hubby so kindly made for me and rushed out the door to take Becca to dance class. It was a crazy busy evening and we didn't get home until 9pm of course then I sat down and watched BL and was super snacky. But Kevin refused to let me make any popcorn (cause I can't just eat popcorn I need to have shakers on it LOL) so I made a strawberry smoothie and it was the best one yet...so yummy.

Today I make no promises but I will try like I did yesterday. Again I need to get a lunch as we forgot in all our travels last night to pick up lunch meat and milk LOL. So here's hoping the chocolate cravings are at bay :)

Now to get some water into me.

Hope my Amigos are doing well...they are usually stronger than me when it comes to keeping the cravings at bay. LISA WHERE ARE YOU? I want to read your endorphin filled blogs!

Monday nope Tuesday

Well it was a long weekend so today feels like Monday but it's Tuesday already :) I didn't stick to my eating every 2 hours over the weekend...I was busy gardening and doing chores and forgot to eat often. So when I did stop for lunch or dinner I was famished and ended up eating way too fast and too much and fairly carb heavy. Didn't get as much water as I would have liked either. But I was ACTIVE all weekend long. Sore today really. I was busy from the moment I woke up until I went to bed for 3 days straight (although I only marked it as 6 hours of exercise mainly because some of it didn't feel like exercise even though I can definitely feel it). I am up in weight...I guess lack of water and some junk food made the difference. Although I didn't have too much junk this weekend...I'm very proud of that :)

Today it's eat every 2 hours (Already had a yogurt and then an orange just now). Gotta get going on my water...none so far. and as for activity...this week will be more chore related and maybe some weight machine on my legs. I haven't used that in a long time and I know I'm getting good exercise overall.

We had dirt delivered yesterday to level our backyard out so we can put up our pool for the summer WOOHOO!!!! I'll be adding swimming into the mix in a week or so...although it's only 16 feet across the pool...I can't really do much in the way of laps but I'll get some water aerobics in for sure. Make it fun!!! So this week will be shovelling and moving dirt...that'll be good upper body work :) and weight machine on the legs...full body workouts :)

I'm not ready for the 5K in 1 week and 4 days!!!! but I'll do the best I can either way :)

Three Amigos are ready to kick this into high gear :)

something new

Okay so I decided to try something new yesterday. My friend has been diagnosed as hypoglycaemic and has to eat every 2 hours. So I thought I wonder if that would work with me. Instead of having 3 main meals and some snacks I would try eating every 2 hours and see if I craved bad stuff or if the healthy things were fine. The trick is to eat more times a day but smaller portions and keep it healthy and nutritious. I know that yesterday was the first day so it could have been sheer determination that factored into the success of it so we are going to try this all weekend and see if I can stick to it.

Here's how yesterday went:

8am - yogurt
10am - orange
12pm - chicken caesar salad mmmm
went for a walk at the lake for an hour
2pm - blueberries
4pm - didn't bring enough food oops
6pm (became 7pm) - went out for dinner had a grilled chicken breast on a bun with sweet potato fries
no night time snack...didn't need it surprisingly
did Wii fit step for 20 minutes and had more water
drank a total of 4 litres of water yesterday

Felt completely amazing all day...not hungry (well just before dinner at the 5 hour mark of no food I started to get hungry which is why I ate sooo fast and felt sick after but I did Wii fit and felt better after that)

This morning I weighed the same as I did yesterday morning which is fine as I did 80 minutes of cardio yesterday and exercise makes me stall on weight loss temporarily.

Honestly I think I can do this every 2-3 hour eating thing...I'm eating whole real foods and don't feel hungry or light headed because my body is getting what it needs and I don't feel the need to snack on crap :)

We'll see how today goes...

Plan for today:

8am - shredded wheat and milk (done)
10am - yogurt
12pm - turkey sandwich
2pm - strawberries
4pm - orange
6pm - (haven't decided on dinner yet but it'll be something yummy)
8pm - carrots and ranch dressing

Other obstacles this weekend - it's the long weekend and we are visiting friends and family. Just have to go prepared :)

bingefest

Okay. On a new resolve for the whole weight loss thing. Yesterday I had chocolate and peanuts after…but I had 3 things of chocolate (reese pieces, kit kat chunky, maltesers…small bag yay for me) and then the honey roasted peanuts. I binged completely. But I thought about it this morning…I think I needed that complete binge…I was eating more and more at night…I was having more and more little snacks here and there and not feeling bad about it which was not good. This time I ate so much I felt sick to the point I couldn’t eat dinner…I made myself have some toast last night.

This morning I woke up and thought I’d be starving as I hadn’t had dinner except for toast but I wasn't hungry and I still felt sick. Just overly full…the thought of junk right now is turning my stomach. So I had some Shredded Wheat and some strawberries and it was awesome. I’m craving healthy food today…which I don’t know that that’s ever happened before. So this is good.

I think I needed to binge to get it out of my system rather than saying I was okay and eating junk here and there in hiding…now I don’t want it…not even a little bit. This is where I needed to be…not rock bottom but past the point of wanting junk…don’t know if that made sense to you or not. I was having more popcorn at night and then two days of chips…not good not a good path at all. I was having the bad stuff...more than was good for me but not so much that I was sick of it or feeling guilty...I was trying to justify it. I was trying to convince myself that I was gaining weight again because of silly things...not that I was sabotaging myself like Daris on BL (funny that it happened to me the same day that they showed that eh Pitbull LOL). I had come to that conclusion before they aired that episode but I hadn't said it out loud...so I am now. I'm gaining weight because I'm eating shit and not eating the things my body needs!!!!

Today I had a healthy breakfast…I have more strawberries and an orange and I’m determined to eat on plan today. My friend who's on maternity leave is meeting a bunch of us for lunch today…I totally forgot last night when I said I’d take a salad for lunch. We are going to Pita palace…so I’m going to have grilled chicken and lettuce with practically no dressing and NO CHEESE especially no FETA! On a whole wheat wrap…I’ve planned it out. Then I’ll come back and have my strawberries and yogurt. Or maybe I’ll have the yogurt before I go so I don’t overeat…and then have strawberries when I get back to my desk. I’m determined to do this!!! It’s all my choices not anyone else’s. I choose my own path! I could not go for lunch and go on my walk but then I'm avoiding and not facing things. I want to face it and conquer it!!! I know it's not a once and for all thing because I will have to make these tough choices everyday...but I WANT to do it today...to prove it to myself. I feel strong today. Crap I haven't had any water and wanted have had a litre by now...better get crackin'!!!

WE WON A GAME!!!

Well last night we had a double header 8:15 and 9:30pm were the start times. So I get home from work and Kevin makes dinner (sheppard's pie so yummy) of course now I'm all weighed down and ready to sleep or snuggle on the couch watching TV instead of running around. But I made this commitment and honestly I love it. So I get ready and go battle the mosquitoes at the diamonds. I get there...and my lazy want to stay home feeling disappeared instantly. The first team we played were the Raiders and they kicked our butts...not as bad as our first game of the season but bad enough...although we got a couple of runs in which felt great. I was played right field or rover depending on the inning...in the second I played Rover and caught a ball so she would have been out but then I dropped it...I was so mad at myself I went to through it to second and threw it way too high so I messed up that play...but that's okay. I learned from it...I also think I need a smaller glove...we'll see I'm going to play around with mine to see if I can get it to fit better. So we felt okay after that game...not a win but some definite improvements we are starting to mesh as a team I think.

Then the second game...felt awesome. We were playing a really young team and thought we'd be creamed but their pitcher bless her heart used to pitch windmill...so she kept walking us as her pitches were too low and when she tried to pitch them higher (has to have an arc between 6-12 feet) she would miss the plate...Also we played better as well so that helped the cause too. I had another flub in that game...not in the field. I hit the ball but popped it up infield and swore the pitcher was going to catch it so I didn't run like I should have...now i know do NOT watch the ball just run and listen to the coaches that's what they are there for. Cause she dropped it and I would have made it to first had I ran first...but I waited and she rallied and got it to first before I could get there and just before I got there...I was really mad at myself for that one...but we won 5 to 1!!!!! yay us!!!! It was really nice to have that win for our confidence. Next week we have a 7pm game and they all want to go out for drinks after...I'll go but just have my lemon water :)

So I came home and had a snack a small bowl of sun chips...not the best but that's okay. I was up a bit this morning but c'est la vie. I'll figure it out...my body wants to store today so be it. I also know I'm retaining some major water...or I was yesterday for sure...I drank 3.5 litres and hardly pee'd and my lips were dry and chapping...hopefully the lakes of water again today can solve that.

Plan for today - work, take Becca to jazz, step on the Wii while watching BL :) It's the marathon episode.

Time for a nap (I wish)

Monday Monday

Happy Monday everyone,

Well it's only the beginning and I feel great!!! Down a bit more this morning so I'm only a little bit heavier than I was at two weeks ago....almost back there!!! YAY! Right now I don't see it as losing weight so much as getting back to where I was...then the real loss begins again :)

So sticking with the taking it easier approach so far so good. Yesterdays food was great...wise choices...just had some popcorn last night (fairly late) with shakers so I'd likely be down more if I didn't have all that sodium. No biggie...drinking lakes of water today :)

Yesterday I didn't get any formal exercise in but I did do a lot in the form of chores. I gardened a bit, Kevin and I put up the cover on the gazebo out back and did some general tidying of the back yard. Also did some laundry, tidying of the house. And then Kevin had a double header so we went and watched that. First of all it's a fair hike to get from the parking lot to the diamonds which I love cause I'm working my way there :) Then I did alot of running after kids and holding babies...some of the guys bring their kids when the wives can't come and the rest of us watch them for them. I don't mind this at all as it keeps me on my feet and moving!!! So pretty much I didn't sit down yesterday until I got home at 9pm (I dropped Kevin and Becca off at home for showers and bed for her while I went to the grocery store) Yes I sat in the car but it's not the same LOL. I didn't stop going until 9pm and honestly it was great. I didn't feel like I was in a rush or anything all day I just kept moving.

Today is back to work so pretty much sitting at my desk all day...but that's okay I'm usually pretty good with getting my water in at work!!! Water water water!

Tonight I have a double header 8:15 and 9:30! It should be fun! I'll likely get home shower and collapse into bed LOL. Which remind me I need to buy bug spray today...saw the mosquitoes out yesterday...urg bugs suck!!!! But baseball is so much fun that it outways the annoying bugs.

Feeling great emotionally this week...back to being me again.

New Week

Well the weekend has been busy but in a non stressful way. Yesterday was gymnastics and Kevin played golf with a friend while Becca and I went to visit my friend (hubby golfing with Kevin). So we end up going to Sheila's place (that's the friend) and she hasn't seen my parents in a long time (we were inseperable in high school...life makes you drift but they just had a baby 6 months ago so they are in the parent world now LOL) so she hadn't seen my parents and decided that she'd like to tag along as I was going there quickly to pick something up. We spent over an hour visiting with my mom who was having a great time with the baby. Then we went back to Sheila's for dinner and a bday celebration for her hubby. Now normally I would be worried about what I was going to end up eating and what I would say to avoid eating certain things but I took a different approach. I've been so stressed over food and weight loss I had decided that this weekend I was going to take it easy. Not lose control like the end of last week but just simply enjoy my food...if I didn't like it then I wasn't going to eat it, etc...portion control was the key.

So we get there and the chips come out...I had a few...but not handfulls like I would have in the past...a few here or there and I didn't feel like I needed them so I didn't have much more. Then dinner started and we had some grilled chicken, home made sweet potato fries, cucumber salad, corn on the cob, strawberries and cool whip for dessert and bday cake. Well normally I would be worried a pizza was being ordered or something like that but Sheila has always been one to make yummy healthy things so that was easy for me. But I could have gone overboard on cake and I didn't. I had small portions of everything and at one point I wanted to get seconds of the chicken because it tasted soooo good but then I thought it's not because I need it it's because I want it...and I realized as I was reaching for it that I didn't want it but I WANTED it. I know that doesn't make sense. I didn't want it because I felt hungry but I WANTED it like a little kid wants the bigger slice of cake because they want more than the other kids...so I politely put my hand back in my lap and left it. Weird what old habits can do. So I felt so proud of myself in that moment...weird that it was for chicken normally it's for sweets. Then we had strawberries and yes I had a peice of the cake but I didn't have that same sense of urgency after the cake...funny maybe it's because I just went through it with the chicken...maybe I wouldn't have had the same resolve for cake...so yay for the chicken episode. I feel so weird admitting that by the way...it's so childish. I did want a little more cake but not in the same way so I opted for another spoonful of strawberries...and after the meal I was satisfied...not stuffed like I would have been in the past...and it felt great.

We went home and I was going to stay up and watch some TV with Kevin but I realized as I snuggled next to the dog on the bed (went up and got ready before I was going to watch TV) that I was pretty tired so I opted to stay in bed. Kevin had to check his blood sugar and I guess he needed something before bed because I heard him making popcorn...and then I smelled it mmmmm!!! But I asked myself if I was really hungry or was I just wanting it because he was having some. I wasn't hungry at all...so (patting myself on the back here) I stayed in bed and fell asleep...this morning I woke up and I was down 1.5 lbs!!!

Everything in moderation my friends...and really listen to your body not your mind...the mind is crazy!!! LOL. Don't listen to it.

Today I haven't eaten yet...not because I'm not hungry or am trying not to eat...I just started with chores as soon as I got up and I forgot to eat until I'm typing about it just now LOL. That could be a first for me forgetting to eat BWAHAHAHAH. Awesome! See it's not important...eat to survive don't survive to eat. Plan for the rest of today...smoothie for breakfast I think...been craving one and lunch is so soon so no point in having anything too filling. Then it's onto gardening and setting up that backyard for the summer!!! LOVE IT! Oh and Kevin has a double header later today so Becca and I will go watch him play baseball!

Things are changing around here and in a good way! Kevin sent my resume off to a couple of job postings and then told me later LOL...guess I could have interviews in my future...maybe. A couple were above my level but we'll see...can't hurt to try. And I think my "meltdown" was likely a good thing for my stress levels...forced me to take a more relaxed approach to life in general...I'm sure it'll creep back up the way it was as that's nature...but for a while I'm going to enjoy this pace.

inspirational quote

A collegue of mine at work sent me an email today about a deer that fits in the hands of a man...it was delivered by c-section when the mom was hit by a car and when they couldn't save the mom they delivered the baby. It seriously made me cry at my desk. There was a quote at the end that really spoke to me.

'Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.'

I guess I haven't been coping with it so much in the last little while when you look at my middle of the night post from last night. I will deal with things as they come from now on. No more worrying about the future I can't control the future...what happens, happens. I need to deal with things as they happen rather than just hiding my feelings.

That means making a decision for myself rather than letting other people do it for me (Kev will be happy for dinner choices LOL...he always gets so frustrated when we try to figure out dinner it's always what do you want I don't know what do you want LOL...I can't promise I won't do that still but I will be better and not do it so often LOL).

BTW I slept like a baby after spilling my emotions out last night!!!! That's the first time I've been brutally honest with myself let alone share it. Although I see this not so much as sharing but a place for me to make sense of things for myself.

Emotionally today I'm a mess...but in a good way if that makes sense. I'm crying at the drop of a hat but more like in a healing way than a pity party. Just sweet things were setting me off like that email...and I feel fragile but I'm not hiding anymore and maybe that's why...more like I'm exposed. People normally just see happy Pam at work with the odd moment of stress Pam peaking through...this is bare, raw, open me! (don't be a perv Kev) not that I'm not that happy Pam for the most part...but I'm one of those people that tries not to cry at Becca's recitals or school plays because I always saw crying as weakness. I cry when I get angry and it's very frustrating because I can't get across what I'm intending and end up looking weak...so I end up not crying for the things I should like that video yesterday or Becca's recitals and end up crying when I'm mad or frustrated...maybe if I cry more about those videos and happy things I won't cry so much when I'm mad and will actually be able to say what I need to LOL. Who knows...all I know is that the mask is off and the real me is out there to live in the real world!!!! No more hiding!

insomnia

So I'm sitting her crying! yep I don't really know why but it all started because I found some old videos of Becca when she was about 2 and a half years old. And at first they just made me laugh and I teared up a bit. But then tonight as I'm trying to sleep I started to feel panicky about work tomorrow. Not because of work itself but because it means I have to be away from Becca. I guess I realized when I saw those videos how much she's grown up and I feel like I've missed out. I spend all my time thinking about the future and making things better for our lives that I miss out on the now. and for some reason I feel like time has just flown by and I've missed my daughter...like I blinked and she's grown up. I know I know she's only 7.5 but still my baby is not a baby anymore. I don't want more babies I just want my baby to be that baby again. I know this is so silly but I needed to work this out. I need to sleep and thinking about it is keeping me awake. I literally felt naseous laying in bed I didn't want to wake Kevin so I got up and came into the office. And here I am rambling. I peeked in on Becca on my way past and it was all I could do not to snuggle up to her...but I was afraid I was going to start crying and I don't want to wake her up either. All this living for the future has made me forget how to enjoy the now. I always ALWAYS worry about money and if I lose my job would we lose the house and I gotta say it's extremely stressful when you worry like that all the time. Instead of just living in the now and dealing with things as they happen I think 3 steps ahead so my life is just one be ball of stress. And sadly it's all my own fault! Kevin lives in the now and Becca of course does she's 7 LOL. Why can't I figure it out. Why can't I just stop worrying and just live. It's like I always want things to be better than they are but my life is awesome. I married the man of my dreams, I have a wonderful polite child, I have loving family and friends seriously my life is great why can't I just be happy with what I have!!! And it's not like I'm wanting a bigger house or something like that or keeping up with the Jones'. It's not that I'm unhappy with how my life turned out...I love Kevin and Becca and our lives together...I guess I'm just unhappy with me.

I always wanted to be a stay at home mom and honestly in this day and age it's just too hard to do that. You need two incomes to survive. Kevin provides for this family so well but they don't make it so that you can live off one income. Unless we sold our house and moved into a small home in a bad area and I just couldn't move Becca again. and really that wouldn't be enough for me to stay home either. I've never had that ah ha moment of what I want to do with my life...if you asked me as a child it was teacher or nurse or model hahah I know but as I got older non of those options interested me or were an option for the latter one. I guess I just feel personally lost...I don't know who I am. Just Pam. I know me as a wife and as a mom and I wouldn't change any of that. But who am I? I've always just been who I'm supposed to be according to the people around me at the time. now what? Now that Becca is older and doesn't need my attention every second now what do I do? I've always focused so much on what I'm supposed to be I've forgotten who I am. It's like Julia Roberts in the Runaway Bride...she likes eggs a certain way because that's how the men she was with had them...and then one day she decided to try them all and figure out which one she REALLY liked. Only it's not eggs...it's life. What do I want out of life? I have no clue. I would like not to worry about money, and I would like to just wake up and be me (the skinny me I know is down there somewhere)...I just want to wake up and have it all figured out...hey maybe that's my problem with food...filling this void. I tried to fill it with Kevin and Becca but they can only fill it so much...this is about me as an individual not a mom or a wife. At least I have those areas of my life in check because right now that's who I am.

I have to stop typing I can't see the screen anymore...it's all blurry from teary eyes and no glasses LOL. that and I think I've cleared my head enough to sleep maybe...guess I've needed to let that out for a while. Sadly I'm not any closer to figuring out what I want or who I am I just know that I need to figure it out...too bad I don't know how to do that. I once heard a saying a person without any dreams is a person who is lost...they have nothing to strive for. But I don't have any dreams...just ramblings apparently. So weird that I can have everything that people want and yet still be so lost.

Kevin honey I don't want you to think this has anything to do with you...you are my soulmate and I couldn't be happier with who we are as a couple and a family...just trying to figure me out for once. It's like I've been keeping myself busy for so long or something...I just never wanted to address my issues.

more reflections (LONG ONE SORRY GUYS)

Well I'm home again today...girly issues! Don't worry booking an appointment to see the doctor...last time I saw her she mentioned putting me on the pill...and I might just HAVE to do that. Don't really want to. Don't like the idea of putting chemicals in my body especially when I am trying to cut them out of my diet...but c'est la vie.

For now it might be exactly what I need to get my hormones in check so I can really drop the weight. Hormones fluctuating is one of my many issues with weight. Thyroid, bad eating habits (that's the biggie of course) and hormones are my main issues.

Thyroid is under control with meds (can't avoid that one it's hereditary for me stupid Hasimoto's)

Bad eating habits are what I'm trying to change every day some I win some I lose (ice cream, pop)...but these are an ongoing life long sort of thing that I will find a balance for. I won't "overcome" them as that's unrealistic...but I will find a balance...I'm getting closer I swear.

As for the hormones...well if I don't go on the pill then I'm going to continue with being moody and bloating and unexplained weight gain overnight and the list goes on and on and on. A week or two before my period I start my cravings and bloating and generally crankiness. Then comes the feelings of dispair and helplessness that want the chocolate for comfort (which is really weird because if you know me you know I'm generally a very happy person so really feeling those feelings kind of makes me angry or anxious because there's no reason to feel that way...I would understand if I felt that way if my life was in turmoil or I was unhappy but that's not the case for me...it's hormonal and it sucks)...then I feel like that I want to give up on weight loss...I know I want to be a better me but at that point I really don't care anymore. I also feel like a terrible wife and mom then because well I feel like I'm yelling all the time and I'm biting their heads off.

Also and sorry for TMI but this is how I sort through my feelings and vent so you're going to hear it if you read it and if someone else is going through the same sort of things maybe it'll help them :) So as I was saying also my sex drive is soooo low...I was explaining to Kevin it's not that I don't want to have sex with him...I'm just not interested in sex at all!!! I'm waiting for that 30 something drive to set in and it hasn't, it's done the opposite. I could seriously go without it and it wouldn't bother me. Again don't get me wrong I love being intimate with my husband and when things to happen they are wonderful...just that if he didn't make the move it wouldn't happen really.

Right back on track here...so after the moodiness when aunt flo does decide to appear cause let's be honest here it could be 28 days and it could be 52 days...only thing is the hormone crankiness levels start around that 28 days and if she doesn't show until 52 days I'm just cranky and moody for a lot of that time span. Then when it starts I get all weepy and super crampy for the first couple of days plus other issues which I'm going to see the doctor about.

After that I'm back to me...day 3 and on is usually happy normal Pam again. So long story even longer...I'm going to see about going on the pill so I can level out my hormones so I can be me again. Or at least shorten the whole moody timeline and maybe have a normal cycle. If I could do that, then it would be easier for me to stay on track and I truly believe my weight loss journey will be alot shorter than it's been.

The last time I tried to lose weight just after Becca was born my cycle was perfect for the first time in my life. Before Becca, I was messed up too just not to this extent, pregnancy was awesome for me...I hardly gained anything and I was overweight to start with...198 lbs when I conceived...by the time I was full term with her I had only gained 12 lbs....after I gave birth I was 195 lbs...great weight loss program LOL...then I sat on the couch with my newborn and ate chips all day and watched the gameshow network (I was addicted to retro game shows weird right? Match game was my favourite and they were really dirty minded LOL).

I got up to 209.4 (I will always remember that number) it's the day I'd had enough and started weight watchers it was the highest I had ever been in my life and I didn't see me in the mirror anymore. I lost 50lbs in 3 months...I felt great and I was getting compliments all the time so I stopped losing and maintained for a good long time!!! It took 6 years to gain it all back and then some...my highest I got this time was 220lbs!!!! Thankfully I've lost almost 25 of that but it's been so much harder this time. I have to say I hit rock bottom, and was just as focused as the first time if not more, but it just hasn't dropped! The difference I think is HORMONES!!!!

Stupid Estrogen!!! So to make a really long story well let's face it even longer LOL that's my plan.

See Dr - go on pill - have normal cycle - ability to lose weight increases!!! Should have addressed this a long time ago but it's my bias against the pill that kept me from doing it. (never had a cramp in my life...when on the pill in college and bammo cramps from hell started...went off the pill they stayed!!!! it was a curse. Of course had I talked to the dr about it they would have put me on something more compatible for my body and it would have been fine but I was 19 and decided it was bad for me and went off it).

Seriously ending my rambling now...just really needed to sort out what I need to do and this really does help!!! and I'm a rambler :)

Laughter and other things

Well I was thinking about what you girls were saying about laughter and how good it is for you and I remembered something about how laughter burns calories too...not just a giggle here or there but full on belly laughing! Honestly this is good news for me...cause I get in trouble for laughing too loud all the time. At work we've even had people come and slam the lunch room door shut because we were in there laughing so loud...oops. Whatever...it's lunch and we are laughing...deal with it :) And Kevin always feels so sorry for people sitting in front of me at the theatre...oh and people who go with me tend to be embarassed for some reason. :) I can't help it...if something is funny you are supposed to laugh. I can't help it if I'm loud! Besides I'm burning calories! hahahaha

So TOM is here finally (sorry if TMI for some) THANK GOD!!!!!!! I hate when my hormones get all screwy then my weight just says that's fine I'll fluctuate all over the place so you have no idea what to expect. Now we can get back to normal for a few weeks before the roller coaster starts again. It would also explain how down and out I was feeling a few days ago...I feel so in control today!!!! Don't get me wrong I am under the weather and home from work (headache combined with cramps sucks) but I feel in control of my habit...that I'm not just going to go and consume all the food in the house while I'm here...or run out and buy a bunch of junk. I know my weight will be up today at weigh in...that's normal for that time for me...but it'll be gone by Friday for sure!

My biggest concern these days is being in control on the weekends. This weekend we are going to a friend's house for a bday celebration which includes dinner and dessert. Now dinner should be okay I think...she tends to make healthy stuff so we'll see...as for dessert it's his bday so I can't control what's there...but I can control what I take and how much I eat of it. I only need a taste to make them not feel bad and I don't need anything for me...I just can't let the taste become more and more and more!!! Water will be my drink of choice NOT DIET PEPSI!!!!!

Hey let's check the list again.

1. Journalling - check
2. baseball - Monday done
3. P90X - I'll do XStretch today
4. water - working on it
5. no soda - did awesome yesterday and will repeat today
6. lactose free - I had yogurt and frozen yogurt...but I really don't want to cut out the yogurt (frozen yogurt I will but regular is so good for you and it's all natural with fruit so it's pure digestive enzyme goodness) so lactose free from now on will be everything but my yogurt at lunch and sometimes breakfast.
7. blog - check
8. honest and kind to me - yep so far so good ;)
9. Gabriel Method - had the I-Pod going last night...I think I could hear it better over the humidifier so even better...sorry Kev if you could still hear it.

So far so good....I'll get my P90X Stretching in today sometime and we'll be checking off all on the list for a first!!!! woohoo!!!!

Whooshaw Lisa :)

Day 2 - so tired but it's good

I can't stop yawning today! I had so much trouble getting out of bed. Seriously the last few weeks have been like that I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I don't know why! But I'm listening to my body as best I can...I mean I havn't gone to bed early as I'm addicted to my TV shows but finale's are coming up and it will be done soon yay!!! Tonight is BL and I'm all excited it's crunch time for them. My plan for tonight is to take Becca to Jazz, have a healthy dinner, get Becca ready for bed (bath, reading, etc) then do the Wii Fit while I watch BL likely the stepping exercises as I can do that while watching and it's fun. Kevin will be doing the treadmill tonight for sure!!!!! Right Kevin?!?! Last night we got home and Kev was supposed to do the treadmill while I got Becca ready for bed...only to open the door and find garbage all over the house. Yep our dog is pretty good and he doesn't tend to go for the garbage but there was some tin foil that fish had been grilled in that was just TOO appealing for him to resist. Now it wasn't in the garbage can in the kitchen...nope I had put it in a big garbage bag and put it in the laundry room to go outside the next time we went (only we forgot as we left for baseball oops) well he dragged it through the house all the way to the family room in the back of the house...so from the laundry room through the hallway, past the kitchen, into the living room was a trail of garbage...So Kevin's workout last night was picking up the trash, vacuuming, and then mopping the floors which he had just done on Saturday morning...what a good hubby he is. My floors are gleaming :)

Let's see here's the check list
1. journalling - check
2. baseball - of course
3. P90X - still not yet
4. water - check
5. no soda...dropped the ball yet again...but none today!!!!!
6. lactose free - sadly ice cream is in the house
7. blog - check
8. honest and kind to me - I will be today
9. Gabriel Method - every night although Kevin informed me last night that it's annoying so it looks like I'm back to listening to it on my I-Pod rather than the stereo at night.

Today is still fairly cool and I don't have time to walk at lunch as it's allergy needle day and it's supposed to rain the rest of the week (SUCKS LARGE). I've really been enjoying my lunch time walks.

I feel pretty good right now. I feel strong and yes I know my scale is still up but so be it. It will come back down when it's ready.

Back to my water I go :)

Baseball Game 2!

OMG That was sooo much fun. We had less people and we did better this week. I got my first official hit and made it to first base on my own accord...and then got out at second...also got walked to first later but our team got out while I was waiting to run. I played right and left field and rover and made an awesome play which we all thought got the runner out but the ump ruled safe and what the ump says goes. But what fun!!!!!!!! Seriously had a blast and my leg didn't start hurting until the last inning in the field funny enough not while I was running.

Just thought I'd let you all know my day ended much better than it started and I got a good workout in while having fun :)

Moody and Venting with other things

hmmm so I'm not sure what to say today. I'm moody as something should be starting soon...and I ate crap all weekend. yep I'm a weekend eater now and weekday dieter...not good. My weekend weight gain out weighs my weekday diet weight loss :( This weekend started with Friday night having a wrap that was actually quite good for me...then an ice cream cone (there goes the lactose thing) then some popcorn. Then Saturday I had a healthy breakfast, lunch was good too...as was dinner...then I went to the movies (Iron Man 2 loved it) I had popcorn with shakers, sweedish berries which my brother bought and a kit kat bar eek! Then Sunday morning (mother's day) My hubby made a special breakfast which I knew was going to be not good for me...it was Grilled blueberry and Mascarpone stuffed French Toast...it was like cheese cake wrapped in french toast...amazing...but more of a dessert than a breakfast...so yummy but very very rich!!! Anyway then I had grilled cheese for lunch, ice cream, cracker jacks (yep they still exist), dinner was maple salmon (had two sections) and sweet potato fries...and another ice cream!!! Now I know most of my weight is water weight and yes the food wasn't the best...but I"m hoping it's more TOM related and comes off easy (I can dream). Oh yeah and I had diet pepsi at the movies and last night at home...oops

I'm drinking my water but it's not going down as easy as I want it too...I'm usually onto my second litre by now...gotta step that up a notch!!!

I have my healthy lunch packed and I'm not actually taking a lunch today as I have to go buy tickets for Becca's dance recital after work and I'm leaving early to get in line. Tonight I have baseball!!!! I'm excited as always but I really am not feeling on the ball today so I hope I feel better by then.

Oh yeah I woke up light headed and dizzy today...likely from getting up too fast and TOM and allergies...they all do that to me at times....lucky me it's all at once today. I'm getting through it all no problem just hoping the water flushes things out of my system and really want my "friend" to start so I can be me again!!!! Be moody sucks...especially when in your head you are saying don't say that...and be nicer...but you just sound like a bitch anyway. It was freezing in the office today and they've had the A/C on for weeks now...today it's 13 degrees forcast for the high today...I came in and freaked on the guys...it's so cold in here...I put on the heat and said this is ridiculous I'm frozen and there's no need for it to be 12 degrees in our section...yep it was 12 degrees!!!!!!! Are you friggen kidding me!!!! Still mad thinking about it! See...moody!!!!

Mother's Day

I've been told breakfast will not be diet friendly today!!! Of course the popcorn at the movies last night wasn't either :) Good news is once I was told breakfast was going to be not so healthy we sat down and planned to have a healthy lunch and dinner to go with it.

I didn't do so well with my water yesterday...got hardly any at all and I had a soda at the movies which I planned on (so bad I know). Today however will be no soda and will entail loads of water to help flush the movie snacks and breakfast this morning ;)

Hope all the mommy's have a great day...I'm told I get to do what I want today. So I've opted for comfy clothes and possibly a TV day but I want to get some exercise in as well...oh and I have to do laundry...some things don't stop because it's mother's day :)

I love walking

I went for a walk on my lunch hour and we did the full hour it was awesome. Three of us girls from the office went and it was nice to stretch my legs and use some muscles. We even broke a good sweat which we didn't notice so much until we got back to the car to go back to work. You see the wind was blowing big time...it was nice as it was resistance at the beginning...then we turned around and couldn't see for our hair being blown about LOL. So we didn't notice how hard we had worked until we were out of the wind in the car and then all three of us were sweating LOL. Good work out!!!!! I love it! And I'm going to have more exercise tonight...Kevin and I and maybe some of his team mates are going to practice at the diamond after dinner. I want to try and see if I'm any good at pitching...and I'd like to work on my batting as well.

Well it's Thursday...one more day of the work week. I'm so focused right now on weight loss that I get frustrated that I have to go to work instead of working out like on BL...if only they'd come to Canada...I would apply to go on that show!!! Imagine Jillian and Bob screaming...sounds so nice...in a sick masochistic way I suppose LOL. Being away from family would be hard but think of how much you could give back to them when you are done.

Oh and here's an update on my list from the other day.

1. Journal - check every day completed
2. Baseball - Monday check
3. P90X - hasn't happened NEED TO WORK ON THIS
4. Water - every day check...although a little behind today.
5. No Soda - three days and counting check
6. Lactose Free - *sigh* oh cheese how art thee...check sadly wait no...I have yogurt everyday!!! that's not lactose free!!!! crap
7. Blog - sir yes sir...check
8. Honest and kind to myself - I'll say yes...I haven't been hugging myself but I haven't been criticizing myself either :)
9. Gabriel Method - every night check!!!

So far so good on the list...need to work on looking in the mirror and finding good things and P90X!!!! oh and be MORE lactose free :(

IT REALLY WORKS!!!

BIGGEST LOSER ALERT

okay it's not rocket science and we've proven it time and time again but I have to say it now that I've had a few good days...sticking with healthy eating really works!!! My scale was down 2 lbs from yesterday...you know why...no chocolate bars at lunch, no closet eating, I was honest with myself and everyone here, and most importantly no night snacks. Well I had a snack but not popcorn (which always throws me off course and not ice cream)...I had a smoothie. I had smoothies almost every night as a snack at the beginning of my true weight loss in January and it worked then...you know what...it works now too. The smoothies are sweet and healthy and keeps me satisfied until morning. The perfect snack!

I might not be lighter than I was 2 or 3 weeks ago but I'm back on track and that means I'll be lighter soon...I was hovering and then started to gain little by little...I was in denial! I thought cause i cheated once I could do it over and over again...but that just leads to a complete derailment for me. I know it'll happen again...we all do it and really it's likely our body resets during that time...but I'm back for now and I'm hoping not to be derailed again for a long while. It's like a little kid...you can say no to a toy over and over again and they are good with it but one day they just have that temper tantrum...I was having my temper tantrum...and now I've calmed down and realized that I can move on.

Oh and the other thing that I've proven time and time again...soda makes you gain weight or at least not lose weight...I only drink diet and yet it still happens. Soda is evil. And yet I fall back on that one the most. It's like once I have one I want more and more...I suppose that's how they get you. It's so bad for you in so many ways...teeth, weight, skin...you name it soda affects it...carbonation is not healthy and aspartame is worse. Diet soda is worse than regular soda...at least with regular you know you are having something unhealthy and aren't being tricked into thinking you are doing something good for your body. If you drank regular chances are you'd only have 1 here or there...but have diet and you drink 2-5 a day...crazy!!! So I cut out soda yesterday and my weight drops as well...hmmm

No exercise last night...I enjoyed my smoothie while watching the Biggest Loser...it was makeover week and I always love that episode. Although I didn't care for the sylist this time...if you have to say you are the go-to person for hair styling...chances are you're not. I felt so bad for Michael still having to shop alone...that part was sad but he looks great even if he is 300 lbs.

Alright on with the rest of my day, tonight is going to be crazy busy so I need to be organized to make sure I stay on track.

Baseball and new beginnings

Well I did it. I played my first game of baseball last night and it felt awesome!!!! We only got to play the one game out of our double header as the town forgot to turn on the main breaker for the lights at the park so they had someone come out and turn them on BUT by that time it was too late to start our game as there was another game for 9:30 behind us so we had our game postponed. But I had soooo much fun playing. I didn't get on base (2 hits but they got the ball to first before I got there and the second one they caught on the fly). But I hit and that felt great. Our team lost 16-0 but that's okay...we had fun and that's all that matters.

Okay now to fess up!!!! I can't be bothered to write it all again so I'm copying and pasting from an email to Kevin earlier :)...the fessing up is #6

A couple things happened this morning that kind of gave me some new resolve…I know I have a long way to go still when it comes to beating this but I’ll get there.


1. I watched the video and looked at the pics from last night (me playing baseball)…didn’t look too bad but not happy with how much better I could be if I just focused on this weight loss
2. Our conversation (he wants me to ask for help as do Jacqui and Lisa...I have the support I should use it)
3. had a lot of water
4. read the comments on my blog
5. read the comments on WLW on the board that I had posted to yesterday so many people felt the same way and reading the responses was so encouraging
6. then I commented on my day yesterday on that board…I was determined not to buy anything yesterday (this is me telling you) I went to the lake to eat and then go for a walk…I got down there and bug’s swarmed the car…anyone walking along the path was swatting and spitting the bugs out all along the path so I did up the windows and thought I’ll eat my lunch in here and see if they go away…only to find out that my dressing seemed off or maybe my tastebuds were…not sure…ended up going to the store and getting a wrap and TWO chocolate bars…downed it so fast and wanted more…but instead of finding an excuse to leave and go to the store (I was at my desk at this point) I decided to eat my orange and surprisingly that cured the craving…apparently my body WAS starving but for nutrients not crap…once I had the orange and the cravings were gone I drank a ton of water and then well you know the rest…baseball, dinner, etc…but writing about it on the board today made me really realize how powerful that orange was…I didn’t even want it…I wanted more crap but I made myself eat it and it really was what my body wanted but my brain was trying to take over. But that helped me to really feel strong today.


So after all that I went for lunch and I knew I had to go to the store to pick up stuff for dinner tonight...and I DID IT...I didn't cave. I was so strong and thought about a couple of things as I passed them but then thought nope I'm good...so I picked up a flavoured water instead...I also save my orange from lunch for this afternoon when I get a little peckish :) Need to buy more fruit.

hmmm

Well I clearly have got to be more focused on healthy choices. I'm getting the activity in but my food choices are still terrible. I'm like a kid on hallowe'en night dying to rip into all the goodies...I just can't get enough and then I feel sick after I've eaten such crap. And I'm being delusional thinking I'm doing okay...I'm so out of control. Both of us are really.

Yesterday Kevin and I went to a park and did a little coaching session for my first softball game tonight!!! EEEEK! And Saturday I went to the local highschool and walked/ran the track for 30 minutes. Did about 2km but can only run about 100 metres at a time and then it takes more than 100 metres to catch my breath...hmmm 5 weeks until the 5K gotta get going on that. Sadly I noticed something Saturday and then again on Sunday...my weight has finally affected me! I know weird right. I've been overweight so long but I've managed fine...sure I can't run and play with Becca so easily but I've always made it work. Saturday my weight directly affected what I could do on the track and again yesterday at the park. I have Varicose Veins in my left leg. I've always just thought of them as veins close to the skin but in the last little while they've become more prominent as my weight went up. Now that I'm getting active they are starting to ache..well more than ache they actually hurt. At first I thought I was getting a shin splint again (as I've had those before) but then I noticed it was just the one leg and it was only hurting EXACTLY where my veins were visible...and they are starting to be raised!!!!! It runs in my family but I really had hoped it wouldn't come to this!!!

The catch 22 is this...to make the veins better I need to lose weight...to lose weight I need to exercise...but exercise hurts the veins!!!! I know I have to suck it up buttercup and just deal with it...but I'm just so frustrated and mad at myself for letting things get so out of control for so long!!!! To quote Cher....if I could turn back time!!!!! *sigh* okay enough of the pity party. Time to kick things up a notch...here's the plan (I always do better with a plan :) )

1. Journalling starts again today...been a little lazy with that and not just what I'm supposed to eat but everything that goes in my mouth gets written down...if I have a chocolate bar I'm writing it down...I'm lying to me when I don't!
2. Enjoy Baseball every Monday
3. Start P90X that helped me stay on track really well
4. DRINK MY WATER!!!!!
5. cut out soda even diet
6. Live lactose free and see if that helps me again...I'll miss you cheese :(
7. Blog each day to keep myself on track
8. Be honest and kind to myself
9. Continue Gabriel Method

I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS...for me!