So far so good

Well so far so good. Another weekend gone by with multiple visitors which means loads of crap in the house and me eating some of it...and I managed to lose over the weekend!!! Doing a little happy dance. I know it won't always be like that...but now that the pressure is off...it's just naturally happening...slowly but it's happening. I think Becca is enjoying things better as well as far as food goes LOL. We still make her eat her veggies, etc but it's not always healthy so it's not as big a deal. She's always been good about good food but she was starting to rebel cause she just wasn't having what kids want as much. It's still in moderation but not near as strict as it was. She's gained a little but we aren't making a big deal out of it. Just enjoying things. We are going camping this weekend and I'm really excited. We tried the bike rack on the new van and it fits :) So we are taking our bikes and I'm hoping we can rent a canoe while we are there. Either way there will be hiking and swimming and all that fun stuff...as long as the weather cooperates that is.

Haven't heard from the other Amigos in a while...anyone else want to blog a bit here or there?!?!!? hint hint

night snacks

Okay so I seem to be eating healthy and I've definitely been active...baseball and more baseball. My issue now is night snacking.

Yep...I eat well all day...If I want something not so healthy I eat it in moderation...and that's all under control. And I know I'd be losing weight if I just could control the night snacks. During the day no problem...night time...I'm eating too much. Like last night...I had tostitos...fine it has a LOT of sodium but I know to expect some water retention, etc but I didn't need to go back for another bowl!!! One bowl would have been fine...but I started to feel sick during the second bowl and I continued to eat instead of putting it aside! So in the middle of the night I was up all naseous (hey pepto bismol). I hadn't done that in a while...but I don't want to do that again...it felt awful. So much so that I couldn't eat breakfast this morning cause I still feel full. I brought a granola bar in case I get hungry this morning...I know breakfast is important and I always eat it...but this morning I just couldn't do it.

Night snacks should be limited...I can do this...once I figure this one out...my no diet plan will work! This is my weakness! I won't stop night snacking but I need to control it better. No point in working against my habits...just need to work with them and find a way to control the situation like I do during the day!

BTW...Loving my just live plan!!!! It's so liberating and free!

So sore from baseball two nights in a row but in a good way :)

what to say?!

What to say?! Usually I have no problem finding something to blog about...not much is going on. I've taken a more relaxed approach to everything. I quit WLW...I was too obsessed over it. I would check it constantly and honestly it was just a place for me to make excuses. To feel okay cause the other people on there would understand. Yes it was a source of inspiration...at first. After a while it was just a place for me to feel sorry for myself...and that's not what I want to do. I don't want to dwell on things. I just want to make them happen. So from now on I will only report what I deem worthy of blogging about. That means not being on here every day and just enjoying life with the family.

My friend Sara told me about her weight issues and how alot of it stemmed from watching her mom try to lose weight (half assed) her entire life. I don't want that for Becca. So I made a promise to myself (that's huge for me not to be taken lightly at all)...I promised myself that I wouldn't say I can't have that it's not on program in front of Becca. I want her to have a healthy relationship with food. So no more "programs" just us as a family making healthy decisions. If Becca wants a snack I will give her options healthy and not so healthy and she can choose what she thinks is the best thing to have...and you know what if she chooses a "bad" snack who cares I know she will choose the healthy ones as well...it's all about the balance. If I tell her she can't have something she'll just do what I do...want it more. So we will do the following:
1 Provide nutritious foods through out each day
2 Have veggies with lunch and dinner (most days)
3. Always have fruits and nuts available for snacks
4. Do something active each day
5. Wii fit Mon-Wed-Fri-Sat-Sun
6. Have fun and live life.

Life is not about a diet or food or any of this...it's about living and enjoying what you have while you have it.

We went out for dinner last night just Kevin and I...I had pasta...it was so yummy...and I didn't finish the whole plate...I ate about half of it and the chicken...and it felt nice. I didn't need anything more. It felt great and this morning I was down...go figure.

I realized that now that the pressure is gone it will just happen as it happens. I'm not going haywire and gorging...what I'm doing is having what I want and being conscious of what I'm putting in my mouth. Don't go overboard and don't go the extreme the other way either.

Next step is to get the supplements we need to ensure we are getting the proper nutrients and then that's it. Just LIVE! I think Becca will notice the difference too. I wasn't passing on the things mom's should pass on...like how to bake or just cooking in general...our palates became so boring. I'm really looking forward to just having a family meal of want we want rather than thinking about how to make it compliant to a program :) real foods cooked how we like it...and honestly other than our poor choices snacking we usually had healthy meals. When Kevin cooks it's always good. It's when we have take out that we fail :)

Time to live!

Baseball rocked!

Well we didn't win but I'm not sure how that happened.

We played amazing!!! I got home twice (ran my ass off)...although the second time doesn't count as we had 2 out and they got a runner out at second just as I crossed the finish line...I crossed and then I heard out at second...so that kinda sucks. I was breathless cause I ran hard and it didn't even count :( But it still felt great to not be out on my account.

Also our team got 2 double plays last night (better than my hubby's team ;) )! AND we mercied them in the second inning! We would have won if there was no mercy rule. We got our 7th run in and they called mercy as the other 3 people were on their way to home...it was well out there and it would have been awesome to count those other 3 runs...that and we mercied them with only 1 out that inning. We ended up losing 11-8. But as far as I'm concerned it was a great game! We had a blast. And the captain's hubby/boyfriend was there and he had us all doing the wave and cheering from the bench it was hilarious. Only 1 bad thing last night...the sheer amount of mosquitoes!!! We were batting in the outfields or at least it felt that way...swatting all the time.

Today it's raining and glum out but I'm not letting that stop me. Nor am I letting the fact that I slept in today and didn't get my exercise in stop me. I WILL EXERCISE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

Taking charge now!!!! It's what I've gotta do...otherwise I'll just end up back being miserable again...and really who wants that!

ummm so yeah

yup I did 2 days of the 30 day shred and then dropped the ball...well the first day was Becca taking forever in the bath and then I didn't have time for my workout before going to work. So lesson learned is that if I don't work out in the morning...it just doesn't happen.

I was active a lot this weekend...made a lot of use of the pool :) However I don't think floating and splashing is exercise LOL. And we went to the movies and out for dinner, etc,etc. So the food part of things was off as well...and as usual didn't get hardly any fluids in on the weekend. It's not just water...I just tend not to drink anything for most of the weekend. I forget to really.

So I'm sitting here at my desk drinking my water and blogging hoping it will re-motivate me again. I was so motivated after my freak out last week. And it's not like I feel I can't do it or anything now...I know I can. I'm just complacent and that's that dangerous area to be in this journey. So before I go downward spiralling I'm recognizing the complacency and focusing on my food intake.

Tonight is baseball yay!!!! I'll get my exercise in for sure today.

Day 2 of Jillian's 30 day shred

Well I had my freak out yet again and of course it helped me refocus! How many times have I done this? How many more times will I freak out? Oh well a couple more I'm sure.

The good news is...I ate well yesterday I still had a snack before bed (a SMALL bowl of chips) but I don't feel bad about that. I honestly feel like it fit into my day. I ate very healthy. I exercised first thing in the morning and I felt great.

This morning I exercised (although I rushed it if that makes sense as I was behind...I'll get to that in a minute). I weighed myself when I woke up this morning and it said I was down 2 lbs from yesterday! Thank you very much. So I'm at 200.2 (stupid 0.2 LOL). So I'm very close to breaking back to where I was. Honestly I figured the 4 lbs I put on would come off easier because of how fast it went on and how I refocused. The trick is to keep it going. I think I'm good for a bit honestly...mainly because I was stuck at 197 for so long and it was so easy to get back up over 200 when I essentially gave up for a bit. So now I have that resolve to blow past the 190's! I crave 180's right now! So that 0.2 to get below 200 means nothing right now...it's the 10 I'm concentrating on to get into the 180's!!! Now that's a goal! 10 at a time baby 10 at a time! Don't think too far ahead or it will overwhelm you...it sure did me!

As for being rushed this morning. I woke up in good time and snoozed my alarm and said to myself okay time to get up to work out...but the window was open and it was raining out and the sound of the rain on the pool cover in perfect little pitter patters put me out like a light so when the alarm went off again it shocked me that I'd fallen asleep and I had fallen into a deep sleep at that. So I got up and rushed through everything...and then Becca (who was up way too late last night) had a slight melt down this morning and the rushing didn't help that either. She did her Wii Fit (shocking we were doing that every day and she went on and it said we hadn't been on it in 25 days...I'm going to do mine tomorrow AM before Jillian's workout). After the Wii fit she seemed more awake and her usual self.

Off to have another balanced day :)

Keep strong Amigo's it will get better! Remember asking for help is key.

I asked Kevin to help me (and I promised I would actually let him help instead of asking and then ignoring him) and so far so good! Ultimately it's up to me but a little help on the sidelines never hurts either.

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (super long one)

Yup I'm mad. Mad at myself and mad at my F&*KING scale!!!! HOW DARE IT BE UP 5 FLIPPING POUNDS!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!! okay got it out.

I'm just so pissed off right now. I know I haven't been bang on with eating and exercise, etc. But it was a busy active weekend and I am up! I'm over 200 again!!!! Can you believe it. It took so long to go from 202 to 197 and now I'm up again. I know I got below 200 and was in heaven and plateaued...not from trying and it not happening but from me phoning it in a bit...and that's why I'm mad! I did this! No one else. Not some strange invisible force!!! ME!!!! I got below 200 and decided I can eat what I want and be lazy and it'll be fine but it's not!!!!! Sometimes I feel like the Gabriel Method just doesn't cut it. and sometimes I think like it's the answer! All I know now is that I need to eat smarter and start some formal exercise because every day chores just aren't cutting it! Yes they are active chores with gardening, etc but they just aren't enough.

I need to focus and I've done this so many times that it's just disheartening! So here's the plan starting this minute!!!

1. Water
2. Exercise (EARLY MORNING)
3. Walk on lunches
4. Family Fitness (bike rides, walks, tag, badminton, tennis, etc)
5. EAT HEALTHY!

I feel rotten! I just wish I could snap my fingers and be at goal and know how to stay there. Can't someone just hypnotize me into wanting to eat well and make me think I don't like junk food?! I just wish I could see junk food and feel like it's no good that it would make me feel sick to see it so I wouldn't want it. I don't want to like it! I don't want to eat it...and yet I do it! Why can't I stop?! I just want to be able to live.

You know I baked this weekend. My neices were over and we decided to make pineapple upside down cake and chocolate chip/peanut butter chip cookies. But it made me think of all the times I baked with my mom when I was little and how I don't do that with Becca. We don't have that mother daughter time where you learn about baking and all that girly stuff just by simply sharing that time with your mom. And then I think that all this stuff I'm doing trying to lose weight and just not getting there is ruining her childhood. I feel like I'm waiting to live my life when I'm at goal and not living now.

I think the weight loss program I'm on right now just doesn't fit into my life. I want it to but I don't think it works for us right now. Unless I eat something different from the rest of my family it's just not going to work. I will try for another 2 weeks. I figure right now at rock bottom I've gotta focus and being here helps me focus somehow. So I'll give it 2 more weeks in this focused state. If by then I'm still hovering and not seeing good progress then I'm going to have to change things up. The battle isn't over for me but it will have to change if I can't get it going again!

I know this entry is all over the place it's just me trying to get my head on straight. I will get through this...just feeling a little low right now. By talking through it I get to vent and get my frustrations out and then it helps me to see the light a little if that makes sense. Usually by the end of writing these I feel more focused and can tackle the thing that's bothering me. Right now...I know I can tackle it and I want to but at the same time I feel so close to that edge of giving up. I can happy while I'm fat as long as I don't go clothes shopping or see pictures of myself or look in the mirror. LOL.

I think I need to think about the reasons for me to lose weight maybe that will help...I thought my entry was done but apparently it's not LOL sorry guys

REASONS TO LOSE WEIGHT
1. good example to Becca
2. be able to keep up with Becca and Kevin
3. self confidence
4. be healthy
5. love myself
6. be around for a long long time
7. I don't want vericose veins worse than they are
8. shopping in normal stores
9. to be able to run and not feel like I'm going to pass out after 20 seconds
10. like how I look
11. FEEL GOOD

I'm sure there's more but that's my attempt for now.

gardening

If you ever want a full body work out just plant a garden! phew! I gardened for 2 hours last night and this morning my legs are sooooo sore. But in a good way of course. I can feel my quads, my abs, my arms. It's nice to work all the muscles!

I did however sabotage myself last night at about 10pm or so...chips and maltesers. Not alot of either but tack that on to my pita for dinner and that's a lot of sodium!!! so I was up 2 lbs this morning. Drinking my lakes of water and trying to flush my system before I weigh in tonight. No excuses just bad judgement on my part.

Tonight the plan is to work on cleaning out the mess of a garage we have. It's not the normal messy it's the packed to the brim need to clean it out from the winter messy. Normally we would have done it by now but life's been crazy. We have to do it this week as Kevin's uncle is coming by to fix our hose bibs this weekend. They are leaking where they come out of the house. When we use the one in the backyard the bucket under it collecting the water so it doesn't go into the house fills faster than the water coming out of the end of the hose. The one for the front of the house is in the garage at the very back so we have to clean it out to get to it properly and also so his uncle doesn't think we are complete slobs LOL.

It's getting cleaned out and hopefully sometime Saturday in the morning (first thing) we can take a couple of trips to the dump. So much to go...remember how we renovated our powder room...yup it all went into the garage. We were going to get my dad to come out with his trailer but he was busy and then we were busy but now we have a new van and can take all the stuff ourselves :) So tonight is sorting and piling and Saturday will be removal.

I'm looking forward to doing it...not just to clean out the garage but to use this as my workout. Loads of lifting, etc.

two active days and another planned

Well the last two days have been very active. Monday night was baseball night...it was a blast...I made it to 3rd base this time...not that I got a triple but I got a hit and it was a good one for me...landed just outside the diamond in the field (just) between rover and left fielder...too far for 3rd and 2nd to get it and too short for the fielders to get to it fast...so I made it to first just before the ball did :) Then the next two people got base hits and then the next person got out and that was it for the inning. So close to getting home...oh and when I got to first that time I also brought someone home...so that felt great too. First time up to bat I struck out, 2nd was the lengthy explanation above and third time I popped it up and it was caught. I was also very active in the field. I made sure to run alot to get as much exercise as I could.

Then yesterday we were outside until 10pm working on getting that darn pool up. We had it up but had to move it last weekend because the ground wasn't level enough. So we had two yards of dirt delivered...and last night I moved 1.5 yards of it. I shovelled into the wheelbarrow, moved it, dumped it, and raked it out while Kevin tampered it down...trust me I got the good deal. Our friend had a home made tamper and it was heeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaavy!!! I tried but it was too much for me. Then once we were happy with how level it was we moved the pool back. It wasn't that simple...first Kevin's arms were 8 feet long from all the tampering (his term not mine LOL) then we had to take the legs down from the pool and empty out the water...the drain was too slow and we didn't have anything to syphon with so we grabbed a bucket and bailed some (no we didn't put the water in there...mother nature did a few days in week)...once we drained for the most part we then dragged that sucker back (cursing I might add as the little itty bit of water still made it drag to one side and made it heavier. Then we got it up with the mosquitoes attacking us and with no light left. We finished with it almost in the right spot but no energy and no light left (we worked almost an hour in the dark before I threw in the towel).

Then I realized I forgot to eat dinner...seriously doesn't happen to me. But it was a very busy night...picked up Becca's friend and took them to dance then went to the grocery store for a few things, picked up the girls dropped her friend off at home, got Becca ready for bed and started on the pool outside. When we went in I felt so nauseous. I didn't realize I had worked that hard but my legs were killing me and with the lack of food I was feeling it. In fact I'm not feeling the best this morning either. I'm at work though so suck it up buttercup right?! LOL.

Today after work I'm going to plant some more veggies in my garden up north...it's raining today and isn't really supposed to let up but I don't care...rain or no rain those guys are getting planted this evening. I have pumpkins, cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers, and marigolds for around the garden to keep the bugs away. Plus I'll weed the garden a bit and thin out the carrots if they are ready for that. I haven't seen it in a few weeks so I'm sure they are getting to that point.

Ready for another busy active evening...every time I garden I feel it in my legs from bending over I'm sure. But that's good that means my legs are working and that can only tighten them up which is what I want!!!! My legs are my worst feature so doing things that make them hurt is good!

fresh week...another long one...but are you really that surprised LOL

so I lost my journal LOL...not sure what happened to it...I'm sure it's at home somewhere or maybe I left it at the weigh in centre...hmmm. I took the weekend off so to say...I know I just said that I would journal with all my meals...but this weekend was THE exception.

Friday we met up with Lisa and Greg and went out for dinner and then to the Jays game (we beat the Yankees 6-1 yeah baby). We had a blast thanks to a couple of Yankee's fans in front of us that were the best and their puppet oh and the really drunk guy behind us...he was hilarious. They were shouting to A-Rod...calling him A-Roid and instead of Let's go Blue Jays they did it in the same song but You do steroids...it was awful but sooo funny all at the same time. You gotta feel bad for the guy being heckled so loudly!!! One person would say A-Rod...and the whole section would shout...you suck!! It really was bad but made for an excellent rowdy fun game all the same. So I had an $8 slushy vodka drink at the game...quite yummy...but I now know I have to stay away from alcohol all together...I thought it was just wine but my lovely Vodka game me a tummy ache through out the night as well...oh well there are worse things...I don't drink that often anyway so I don't really feel like I'm missing out on anything...now say the same for chocolate and I would cry :) Oh and then we went out dancing at Crocodile Rock (where we saw a 20 something ...maybe early 30's pick up a I'd say at minimum 57 and that's being nice woman...they started making out and everything...it was rather disturbing). I mean good for her but it was like watching my friend make out with my grandma. That was interesting to say the least...oh and I got hit in the head 3 times by people dancing on the ledge behind us. But it was a blast!

Saturday we had well brunch at a greasy spoon...it was okay but eggs on an upset tummy aren't the best for me. We walked along Queen Street...poor Lisa her foot was bugging her so much. Then we went home...we picked up Becca and honestly we went home and sat on the couch...I was so tired...I don't stay up that late anymore very often and when I do I'm a right off! I had such a headache I went to bed at 9pm...Becca was in bed but still awake LOL.

Yesterday was Becca's dance recital so it was busy busy busy. We of course went out for dinner as the shows were at 1pm and 6pm and so we ended up going to a restaurant for dinner to pass the time.

So I'm up today but I'm drinking my water and I'm determined to feed my body the nutritional food it needs. SO far today I've had yogurt with strawberries and oatmeal..mmmmmm. For lunch I have an Asian salad that I can't wait for...and another yogurt. I didn't bring near enough snacks so I will have to run out I guess to get a couple of things...but I really don't want to as I don't want to cave on the chocolate LOL.

Also I wrote on a scrap piece of paper for my journal until I can find it.

Okay that's all for now...baseball tonight...that's my activity for today :)

plan

Well I've made a plan to journal with each meal as I eat as opposed to trying to remember a couple of days later. And I'm going to my weight loss centre to see if I can weigh in every day again like when I first started. I'm supposed to go Mon, Wed, Fri each week...but I think I need that accountability of stepping on that scale each day...it'll make me think about what I'm putting in my mouth instead of thinking I have a day or two to work it off. Cause let's be honest I don't work it off and then I have to hope to maintain but then I'm not losing am I?! So that's my plan...stay on track by journal and weighing in every day that I can. 7:00 baseball games mean no weigh in that night...but otherwise I am going every day (well Sunday they are closed). I will find a way to squeeze it into my day every day!!!

I'm ready to shed this fat suit once and for all!!!

Journal time

Well it's been a bit since I wrote again...had a very active weekend but my eating was off. I ate hot dogs and burgers and movie popcorn and chips...definitely not a focused weekend. But I don't feel bad about it surprisingly. I was so active that had I eaten well the weight likely would have fallen off but I maintained...well it was up down up down but in the end a maintain I'd say. I'm sure with focused effort today it'll be down a bit.

With that said I don't want to maintain...not that it's a bad thing but I really want to drop more weight. It will happen over time and we are being much less lazy these days. We've been super active getting loads done around the house...things we've wanted to do but just didn't have the energy last year to do. We both dropped 20 and more for him and now we are ready to tackle the things around the house. yay!

Well I'm back to journalling my food with each meal...I decided that this morning. I went to journal and I hadn't done it since Friday and was trying to remember all the stuff I ate to update it. It wasn't so easy LOL. So I will stay on track better if I journal with each meal...then I see what I'm missing as I go as well. The whole weekend I didn't get my fruits and veggies in the way I should have. Had I journalled with each meal I would have planned more salad's and fruits with my meals...see how it works :)

3 more sleeps until I see Lisa yay!!!! Let's go Blue Jays!!!! Just have to figure out when we are meeting up.

where'd my motivation go

Seriously....again?!?! What is this! I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm not eating bad but I'm just not motivated. It's like the end is so far away that I'm just disheartened. I know the drill set mini goals do things you enjoy, blah blah blah...but it's such a roller coaster. highs and lows...I feel like in the world of weight loss I'm bi-polar! I go from pure energy and let's kick ass to the next day woe is me and I'll never get there. urg!

That's all I have to say...just needed to vent...off to drink more water!

Lisa where are you...we miss you :(

Well it's amazing how much I can say I'm on the ball and not BE on the ball LOL. I keep trying and keep finding myself overeating. Well I didn't overeat so much as I wanted to.

Yesterday I had yogurt, orange, a few mouthfuls of an awful salad, yogurt with granola and berries, whole wheat croissant (felt like it), egg scramble with peas and feta and toast with becel, then a strawberry smoothie.

At lunch I went to the store to get a chicken wrap but they didn't have any of the light ones I like so I got a salad instead but took a few bites and didn't really like it so much...so I threw it out. One thing I have to mention and I'm soooo proud of this...I wanted a chocolate bar soooo bad. They were on two for a dollar and I really wanted it...but I said no and grabbed the yogurt with granola and berries instead. That didn't quite curb my sweet tooth but thank goodness I didn't have any change in my purse cause I would have gone to the vending machine for a treat if I had. I should have been strong but I was weak...I made it through the afternoon without a snack as my other orange was all dried up and sour yuck. I got home had the egg scramble my hubby so kindly made for me and rushed out the door to take Becca to dance class. It was a crazy busy evening and we didn't get home until 9pm of course then I sat down and watched BL and was super snacky. But Kevin refused to let me make any popcorn (cause I can't just eat popcorn I need to have shakers on it LOL) so I made a strawberry smoothie and it was the best one yet...so yummy.

Today I make no promises but I will try like I did yesterday. Again I need to get a lunch as we forgot in all our travels last night to pick up lunch meat and milk LOL. So here's hoping the chocolate cravings are at bay :)

Now to get some water into me.

Hope my Amigos are doing well...they are usually stronger than me when it comes to keeping the cravings at bay. LISA WHERE ARE YOU? I want to read your endorphin filled blogs!

Monday nope Tuesday

Well it was a long weekend so today feels like Monday but it's Tuesday already :) I didn't stick to my eating every 2 hours over the weekend...I was busy gardening and doing chores and forgot to eat often. So when I did stop for lunch or dinner I was famished and ended up eating way too fast and too much and fairly carb heavy. Didn't get as much water as I would have liked either. But I was ACTIVE all weekend long. Sore today really. I was busy from the moment I woke up until I went to bed for 3 days straight (although I only marked it as 6 hours of exercise mainly because some of it didn't feel like exercise even though I can definitely feel it). I am up in weight...I guess lack of water and some junk food made the difference. Although I didn't have too much junk this weekend...I'm very proud of that :)

Today it's eat every 2 hours (Already had a yogurt and then an orange just now). Gotta get going on my water...none so far. and as for activity...this week will be more chore related and maybe some weight machine on my legs. I haven't used that in a long time and I know I'm getting good exercise overall.

We had dirt delivered yesterday to level our backyard out so we can put up our pool for the summer WOOHOO!!!! I'll be adding swimming into the mix in a week or so...although it's only 16 feet across the pool...I can't really do much in the way of laps but I'll get some water aerobics in for sure. Make it fun!!! So this week will be shovelling and moving dirt...that'll be good upper body work :) and weight machine on the legs...full body workouts :)

I'm not ready for the 5K in 1 week and 4 days!!!! but I'll do the best I can either way :)

Three Amigos are ready to kick this into high gear :)

something new

Okay so I decided to try something new yesterday. My friend has been diagnosed as hypoglycaemic and has to eat every 2 hours. So I thought I wonder if that would work with me. Instead of having 3 main meals and some snacks I would try eating every 2 hours and see if I craved bad stuff or if the healthy things were fine. The trick is to eat more times a day but smaller portions and keep it healthy and nutritious. I know that yesterday was the first day so it could have been sheer determination that factored into the success of it so we are going to try this all weekend and see if I can stick to it.

Here's how yesterday went:

8am - yogurt
10am - orange
12pm - chicken caesar salad mmmm
went for a walk at the lake for an hour
2pm - blueberries
4pm - didn't bring enough food oops
6pm (became 7pm) - went out for dinner had a grilled chicken breast on a bun with sweet potato fries
no night time snack...didn't need it surprisingly
did Wii fit step for 20 minutes and had more water
drank a total of 4 litres of water yesterday

Felt completely amazing all day...not hungry (well just before dinner at the 5 hour mark of no food I started to get hungry which is why I ate sooo fast and felt sick after but I did Wii fit and felt better after that)

This morning I weighed the same as I did yesterday morning which is fine as I did 80 minutes of cardio yesterday and exercise makes me stall on weight loss temporarily.

Honestly I think I can do this every 2-3 hour eating thing...I'm eating whole real foods and don't feel hungry or light headed because my body is getting what it needs and I don't feel the need to snack on crap :)

We'll see how today goes...

Plan for today:

8am - shredded wheat and milk (done)
10am - yogurt
12pm - turkey sandwich
2pm - strawberries
4pm - orange
6pm - (haven't decided on dinner yet but it'll be something yummy)
8pm - carrots and ranch dressing

Other obstacles this weekend - it's the long weekend and we are visiting friends and family. Just have to go prepared :)

bingefest

Okay. On a new resolve for the whole weight loss thing. Yesterday I had chocolate and peanuts after…but I had 3 things of chocolate (reese pieces, kit kat chunky, maltesers…small bag yay for me) and then the honey roasted peanuts. I binged completely. But I thought about it this morning…I think I needed that complete binge…I was eating more and more at night…I was having more and more little snacks here and there and not feeling bad about it which was not good. This time I ate so much I felt sick to the point I couldn’t eat dinner…I made myself have some toast last night.

This morning I woke up and thought I’d be starving as I hadn’t had dinner except for toast but I wasn't hungry and I still felt sick. Just overly full…the thought of junk right now is turning my stomach. So I had some Shredded Wheat and some strawberries and it was awesome. I’m craving healthy food today…which I don’t know that that’s ever happened before. So this is good.

I think I needed to binge to get it out of my system rather than saying I was okay and eating junk here and there in hiding…now I don’t want it…not even a little bit. This is where I needed to be…not rock bottom but past the point of wanting junk…don’t know if that made sense to you or not. I was having more popcorn at night and then two days of chips…not good not a good path at all. I was having the bad stuff...more than was good for me but not so much that I was sick of it or feeling guilty...I was trying to justify it. I was trying to convince myself that I was gaining weight again because of silly things...not that I was sabotaging myself like Daris on BL (funny that it happened to me the same day that they showed that eh Pitbull LOL). I had come to that conclusion before they aired that episode but I hadn't said it out loud...so I am now. I'm gaining weight because I'm eating shit and not eating the things my body needs!!!!

Today I had a healthy breakfast…I have more strawberries and an orange and I’m determined to eat on plan today. My friend who's on maternity leave is meeting a bunch of us for lunch today…I totally forgot last night when I said I’d take a salad for lunch. We are going to Pita palace…so I’m going to have grilled chicken and lettuce with practically no dressing and NO CHEESE especially no FETA! On a whole wheat wrap…I’ve planned it out. Then I’ll come back and have my strawberries and yogurt. Or maybe I’ll have the yogurt before I go so I don’t overeat…and then have strawberries when I get back to my desk. I’m determined to do this!!! It’s all my choices not anyone else’s. I choose my own path! I could not go for lunch and go on my walk but then I'm avoiding and not facing things. I want to face it and conquer it!!! I know it's not a once and for all thing because I will have to make these tough choices everyday...but I WANT to do it today...to prove it to myself. I feel strong today. Crap I haven't had any water and wanted have had a litre by now...better get crackin'!!!

WE WON A GAME!!!

Well last night we had a double header 8:15 and 9:30pm were the start times. So I get home from work and Kevin makes dinner (sheppard's pie so yummy) of course now I'm all weighed down and ready to sleep or snuggle on the couch watching TV instead of running around. But I made this commitment and honestly I love it. So I get ready and go battle the mosquitoes at the diamonds. I get there...and my lazy want to stay home feeling disappeared instantly. The first team we played were the Raiders and they kicked our butts...not as bad as our first game of the season but bad enough...although we got a couple of runs in which felt great. I was played right field or rover depending on the inning...in the second I played Rover and caught a ball so she would have been out but then I dropped it...I was so mad at myself I went to through it to second and threw it way too high so I messed up that play...but that's okay. I learned from it...I also think I need a smaller glove...we'll see I'm going to play around with mine to see if I can get it to fit better. So we felt okay after that game...not a win but some definite improvements we are starting to mesh as a team I think.

Then the second game...felt awesome. We were playing a really young team and thought we'd be creamed but their pitcher bless her heart used to pitch windmill...so she kept walking us as her pitches were too low and when she tried to pitch them higher (has to have an arc between 6-12 feet) she would miss the plate...Also we played better as well so that helped the cause too. I had another flub in that game...not in the field. I hit the ball but popped it up infield and swore the pitcher was going to catch it so I didn't run like I should have...now i know do NOT watch the ball just run and listen to the coaches that's what they are there for. Cause she dropped it and I would have made it to first had I ran first...but I waited and she rallied and got it to first before I could get there and just before I got there...I was really mad at myself for that one...but we won 5 to 1!!!!! yay us!!!! It was really nice to have that win for our confidence. Next week we have a 7pm game and they all want to go out for drinks after...I'll go but just have my lemon water :)

So I came home and had a snack a small bowl of sun chips...not the best but that's okay. I was up a bit this morning but c'est la vie. I'll figure it out...my body wants to store today so be it. I also know I'm retaining some major water...or I was yesterday for sure...I drank 3.5 litres and hardly pee'd and my lips were dry and chapping...hopefully the lakes of water again today can solve that.

Plan for today - work, take Becca to jazz, step on the Wii while watching BL :) It's the marathon episode.

Time for a nap (I wish)

Monday Monday

Happy Monday everyone,

Well it's only the beginning and I feel great!!! Down a bit more this morning so I'm only a little bit heavier than I was at two weeks ago....almost back there!!! YAY! Right now I don't see it as losing weight so much as getting back to where I was...then the real loss begins again :)

So sticking with the taking it easier approach so far so good. Yesterdays food was great...wise choices...just had some popcorn last night (fairly late) with shakers so I'd likely be down more if I didn't have all that sodium. No biggie...drinking lakes of water today :)

Yesterday I didn't get any formal exercise in but I did do a lot in the form of chores. I gardened a bit, Kevin and I put up the cover on the gazebo out back and did some general tidying of the back yard. Also did some laundry, tidying of the house. And then Kevin had a double header so we went and watched that. First of all it's a fair hike to get from the parking lot to the diamonds which I love cause I'm working my way there :) Then I did alot of running after kids and holding babies...some of the guys bring their kids when the wives can't come and the rest of us watch them for them. I don't mind this at all as it keeps me on my feet and moving!!! So pretty much I didn't sit down yesterday until I got home at 9pm (I dropped Kevin and Becca off at home for showers and bed for her while I went to the grocery store) Yes I sat in the car but it's not the same LOL. I didn't stop going until 9pm and honestly it was great. I didn't feel like I was in a rush or anything all day I just kept moving.

Today is back to work so pretty much sitting at my desk all day...but that's okay I'm usually pretty good with getting my water in at work!!! Water water water!

Tonight I have a double header 8:15 and 9:30! It should be fun! I'll likely get home shower and collapse into bed LOL. Which remind me I need to buy bug spray today...saw the mosquitoes out yesterday...urg bugs suck!!!! But baseball is so much fun that it outways the annoying bugs.

Feeling great emotionally this week...back to being me again.

New Week

Well the weekend has been busy but in a non stressful way. Yesterday was gymnastics and Kevin played golf with a friend while Becca and I went to visit my friend (hubby golfing with Kevin). So we end up going to Sheila's place (that's the friend) and she hasn't seen my parents in a long time (we were inseperable in high school...life makes you drift but they just had a baby 6 months ago so they are in the parent world now LOL) so she hadn't seen my parents and decided that she'd like to tag along as I was going there quickly to pick something up. We spent over an hour visiting with my mom who was having a great time with the baby. Then we went back to Sheila's for dinner and a bday celebration for her hubby. Now normally I would be worried about what I was going to end up eating and what I would say to avoid eating certain things but I took a different approach. I've been so stressed over food and weight loss I had decided that this weekend I was going to take it easy. Not lose control like the end of last week but just simply enjoy my food...if I didn't like it then I wasn't going to eat it, etc...portion control was the key.

So we get there and the chips come out...I had a few...but not handfulls like I would have in the past...a few here or there and I didn't feel like I needed them so I didn't have much more. Then dinner started and we had some grilled chicken, home made sweet potato fries, cucumber salad, corn on the cob, strawberries and cool whip for dessert and bday cake. Well normally I would be worried a pizza was being ordered or something like that but Sheila has always been one to make yummy healthy things so that was easy for me. But I could have gone overboard on cake and I didn't. I had small portions of everything and at one point I wanted to get seconds of the chicken because it tasted soooo good but then I thought it's not because I need it it's because I want it...and I realized as I was reaching for it that I didn't want it but I WANTED it. I know that doesn't make sense. I didn't want it because I felt hungry but I WANTED it like a little kid wants the bigger slice of cake because they want more than the other kids...so I politely put my hand back in my lap and left it. Weird what old habits can do. So I felt so proud of myself in that moment...weird that it was for chicken normally it's for sweets. Then we had strawberries and yes I had a peice of the cake but I didn't have that same sense of urgency after the cake...funny maybe it's because I just went through it with the chicken...maybe I wouldn't have had the same resolve for cake...so yay for the chicken episode. I feel so weird admitting that by the way...it's so childish. I did want a little more cake but not in the same way so I opted for another spoonful of strawberries...and after the meal I was satisfied...not stuffed like I would have been in the past...and it felt great.

We went home and I was going to stay up and watch some TV with Kevin but I realized as I snuggled next to the dog on the bed (went up and got ready before I was going to watch TV) that I was pretty tired so I opted to stay in bed. Kevin had to check his blood sugar and I guess he needed something before bed because I heard him making popcorn...and then I smelled it mmmmm!!! But I asked myself if I was really hungry or was I just wanting it because he was having some. I wasn't hungry at all...so (patting myself on the back here) I stayed in bed and fell asleep...this morning I woke up and I was down 1.5 lbs!!!

Everything in moderation my friends...and really listen to your body not your mind...the mind is crazy!!! LOL. Don't listen to it.

Today I haven't eaten yet...not because I'm not hungry or am trying not to eat...I just started with chores as soon as I got up and I forgot to eat until I'm typing about it just now LOL. That could be a first for me forgetting to eat BWAHAHAHAH. Awesome! See it's not important...eat to survive don't survive to eat. Plan for the rest of today...smoothie for breakfast I think...been craving one and lunch is so soon so no point in having anything too filling. Then it's onto gardening and setting up that backyard for the summer!!! LOVE IT! Oh and Kevin has a double header later today so Becca and I will go watch him play baseball!

Things are changing around here and in a good way! Kevin sent my resume off to a couple of job postings and then told me later LOL...guess I could have interviews in my future...maybe. A couple were above my level but we'll see...can't hurt to try. And I think my "meltdown" was likely a good thing for my stress levels...forced me to take a more relaxed approach to life in general...I'm sure it'll creep back up the way it was as that's nature...but for a while I'm going to enjoy this pace.

inspirational quote

A collegue of mine at work sent me an email today about a deer that fits in the hands of a man...it was delivered by c-section when the mom was hit by a car and when they couldn't save the mom they delivered the baby. It seriously made me cry at my desk. There was a quote at the end that really spoke to me.

'Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.'

I guess I haven't been coping with it so much in the last little while when you look at my middle of the night post from last night. I will deal with things as they come from now on. No more worrying about the future I can't control the future...what happens, happens. I need to deal with things as they happen rather than just hiding my feelings.

That means making a decision for myself rather than letting other people do it for me (Kev will be happy for dinner choices LOL...he always gets so frustrated when we try to figure out dinner it's always what do you want I don't know what do you want LOL...I can't promise I won't do that still but I will be better and not do it so often LOL).

BTW I slept like a baby after spilling my emotions out last night!!!! That's the first time I've been brutally honest with myself let alone share it. Although I see this not so much as sharing but a place for me to make sense of things for myself.

Emotionally today I'm a mess...but in a good way if that makes sense. I'm crying at the drop of a hat but more like in a healing way than a pity party. Just sweet things were setting me off like that email...and I feel fragile but I'm not hiding anymore and maybe that's why...more like I'm exposed. People normally just see happy Pam at work with the odd moment of stress Pam peaking through...this is bare, raw, open me! (don't be a perv Kev) not that I'm not that happy Pam for the most part...but I'm one of those people that tries not to cry at Becca's recitals or school plays because I always saw crying as weakness. I cry when I get angry and it's very frustrating because I can't get across what I'm intending and end up looking weak...so I end up not crying for the things I should like that video yesterday or Becca's recitals and end up crying when I'm mad or frustrated...maybe if I cry more about those videos and happy things I won't cry so much when I'm mad and will actually be able to say what I need to LOL. Who knows...all I know is that the mask is off and the real me is out there to live in the real world!!!! No more hiding!

insomnia

So I'm sitting her crying! yep I don't really know why but it all started because I found some old videos of Becca when she was about 2 and a half years old. And at first they just made me laugh and I teared up a bit. But then tonight as I'm trying to sleep I started to feel panicky about work tomorrow. Not because of work itself but because it means I have to be away from Becca. I guess I realized when I saw those videos how much she's grown up and I feel like I've missed out. I spend all my time thinking about the future and making things better for our lives that I miss out on the now. and for some reason I feel like time has just flown by and I've missed my daughter...like I blinked and she's grown up. I know I know she's only 7.5 but still my baby is not a baby anymore. I don't want more babies I just want my baby to be that baby again. I know this is so silly but I needed to work this out. I need to sleep and thinking about it is keeping me awake. I literally felt naseous laying in bed I didn't want to wake Kevin so I got up and came into the office. And here I am rambling. I peeked in on Becca on my way past and it was all I could do not to snuggle up to her...but I was afraid I was going to start crying and I don't want to wake her up either. All this living for the future has made me forget how to enjoy the now. I always ALWAYS worry about money and if I lose my job would we lose the house and I gotta say it's extremely stressful when you worry like that all the time. Instead of just living in the now and dealing with things as they happen I think 3 steps ahead so my life is just one be ball of stress. And sadly it's all my own fault! Kevin lives in the now and Becca of course does she's 7 LOL. Why can't I figure it out. Why can't I just stop worrying and just live. It's like I always want things to be better than they are but my life is awesome. I married the man of my dreams, I have a wonderful polite child, I have loving family and friends seriously my life is great why can't I just be happy with what I have!!! And it's not like I'm wanting a bigger house or something like that or keeping up with the Jones'. It's not that I'm unhappy with how my life turned out...I love Kevin and Becca and our lives together...I guess I'm just unhappy with me.

I always wanted to be a stay at home mom and honestly in this day and age it's just too hard to do that. You need two incomes to survive. Kevin provides for this family so well but they don't make it so that you can live off one income. Unless we sold our house and moved into a small home in a bad area and I just couldn't move Becca again. and really that wouldn't be enough for me to stay home either. I've never had that ah ha moment of what I want to do with my life...if you asked me as a child it was teacher or nurse or model hahah I know but as I got older non of those options interested me or were an option for the latter one. I guess I just feel personally lost...I don't know who I am. Just Pam. I know me as a wife and as a mom and I wouldn't change any of that. But who am I? I've always just been who I'm supposed to be according to the people around me at the time. now what? Now that Becca is older and doesn't need my attention every second now what do I do? I've always focused so much on what I'm supposed to be I've forgotten who I am. It's like Julia Roberts in the Runaway Bride...she likes eggs a certain way because that's how the men she was with had them...and then one day she decided to try them all and figure out which one she REALLY liked. Only it's not eggs...it's life. What do I want out of life? I have no clue. I would like not to worry about money, and I would like to just wake up and be me (the skinny me I know is down there somewhere)...I just want to wake up and have it all figured out...hey maybe that's my problem with food...filling this void. I tried to fill it with Kevin and Becca but they can only fill it so much...this is about me as an individual not a mom or a wife. At least I have those areas of my life in check because right now that's who I am.

I have to stop typing I can't see the screen anymore...it's all blurry from teary eyes and no glasses LOL. that and I think I've cleared my head enough to sleep maybe...guess I've needed to let that out for a while. Sadly I'm not any closer to figuring out what I want or who I am I just know that I need to figure it out...too bad I don't know how to do that. I once heard a saying a person without any dreams is a person who is lost...they have nothing to strive for. But I don't have any dreams...just ramblings apparently. So weird that I can have everything that people want and yet still be so lost.

Kevin honey I don't want you to think this has anything to do with you...you are my soulmate and I couldn't be happier with who we are as a couple and a family...just trying to figure me out for once. It's like I've been keeping myself busy for so long or something...I just never wanted to address my issues.

more reflections (LONG ONE SORRY GUYS)

Well I'm home again today...girly issues! Don't worry booking an appointment to see the doctor...last time I saw her she mentioned putting me on the pill...and I might just HAVE to do that. Don't really want to. Don't like the idea of putting chemicals in my body especially when I am trying to cut them out of my diet...but c'est la vie.

For now it might be exactly what I need to get my hormones in check so I can really drop the weight. Hormones fluctuating is one of my many issues with weight. Thyroid, bad eating habits (that's the biggie of course) and hormones are my main issues.

Thyroid is under control with meds (can't avoid that one it's hereditary for me stupid Hasimoto's)

Bad eating habits are what I'm trying to change every day some I win some I lose (ice cream, pop)...but these are an ongoing life long sort of thing that I will find a balance for. I won't "overcome" them as that's unrealistic...but I will find a balance...I'm getting closer I swear.

As for the hormones...well if I don't go on the pill then I'm going to continue with being moody and bloating and unexplained weight gain overnight and the list goes on and on and on. A week or two before my period I start my cravings and bloating and generally crankiness. Then comes the feelings of dispair and helplessness that want the chocolate for comfort (which is really weird because if you know me you know I'm generally a very happy person so really feeling those feelings kind of makes me angry or anxious because there's no reason to feel that way...I would understand if I felt that way if my life was in turmoil or I was unhappy but that's not the case for me...it's hormonal and it sucks)...then I feel like that I want to give up on weight loss...I know I want to be a better me but at that point I really don't care anymore. I also feel like a terrible wife and mom then because well I feel like I'm yelling all the time and I'm biting their heads off.

Also and sorry for TMI but this is how I sort through my feelings and vent so you're going to hear it if you read it and if someone else is going through the same sort of things maybe it'll help them :) So as I was saying also my sex drive is soooo low...I was explaining to Kevin it's not that I don't want to have sex with him...I'm just not interested in sex at all!!! I'm waiting for that 30 something drive to set in and it hasn't, it's done the opposite. I could seriously go without it and it wouldn't bother me. Again don't get me wrong I love being intimate with my husband and when things to happen they are wonderful...just that if he didn't make the move it wouldn't happen really.

Right back on track here...so after the moodiness when aunt flo does decide to appear cause let's be honest here it could be 28 days and it could be 52 days...only thing is the hormone crankiness levels start around that 28 days and if she doesn't show until 52 days I'm just cranky and moody for a lot of that time span. Then when it starts I get all weepy and super crampy for the first couple of days plus other issues which I'm going to see the doctor about.

After that I'm back to me...day 3 and on is usually happy normal Pam again. So long story even longer...I'm going to see about going on the pill so I can level out my hormones so I can be me again. Or at least shorten the whole moody timeline and maybe have a normal cycle. If I could do that, then it would be easier for me to stay on track and I truly believe my weight loss journey will be alot shorter than it's been.

The last time I tried to lose weight just after Becca was born my cycle was perfect for the first time in my life. Before Becca, I was messed up too just not to this extent, pregnancy was awesome for me...I hardly gained anything and I was overweight to start with...198 lbs when I conceived...by the time I was full term with her I had only gained 12 lbs....after I gave birth I was 195 lbs...great weight loss program LOL...then I sat on the couch with my newborn and ate chips all day and watched the gameshow network (I was addicted to retro game shows weird right? Match game was my favourite and they were really dirty minded LOL).

I got up to 209.4 (I will always remember that number) it's the day I'd had enough and started weight watchers it was the highest I had ever been in my life and I didn't see me in the mirror anymore. I lost 50lbs in 3 months...I felt great and I was getting compliments all the time so I stopped losing and maintained for a good long time!!! It took 6 years to gain it all back and then some...my highest I got this time was 220lbs!!!! Thankfully I've lost almost 25 of that but it's been so much harder this time. I have to say I hit rock bottom, and was just as focused as the first time if not more, but it just hasn't dropped! The difference I think is HORMONES!!!!

Stupid Estrogen!!! So to make a really long story well let's face it even longer LOL that's my plan.

See Dr - go on pill - have normal cycle - ability to lose weight increases!!! Should have addressed this a long time ago but it's my bias against the pill that kept me from doing it. (never had a cramp in my life...when on the pill in college and bammo cramps from hell started...went off the pill they stayed!!!! it was a curse. Of course had I talked to the dr about it they would have put me on something more compatible for my body and it would have been fine but I was 19 and decided it was bad for me and went off it).

Seriously ending my rambling now...just really needed to sort out what I need to do and this really does help!!! and I'm a rambler :)

Laughter and other things

Well I was thinking about what you girls were saying about laughter and how good it is for you and I remembered something about how laughter burns calories too...not just a giggle here or there but full on belly laughing! Honestly this is good news for me...cause I get in trouble for laughing too loud all the time. At work we've even had people come and slam the lunch room door shut because we were in there laughing so loud...oops. Whatever...it's lunch and we are laughing...deal with it :) And Kevin always feels so sorry for people sitting in front of me at the theatre...oh and people who go with me tend to be embarassed for some reason. :) I can't help it...if something is funny you are supposed to laugh. I can't help it if I'm loud! Besides I'm burning calories! hahahaha

So TOM is here finally (sorry if TMI for some) THANK GOD!!!!!!! I hate when my hormones get all screwy then my weight just says that's fine I'll fluctuate all over the place so you have no idea what to expect. Now we can get back to normal for a few weeks before the roller coaster starts again. It would also explain how down and out I was feeling a few days ago...I feel so in control today!!!! Don't get me wrong I am under the weather and home from work (headache combined with cramps sucks) but I feel in control of my habit...that I'm not just going to go and consume all the food in the house while I'm here...or run out and buy a bunch of junk. I know my weight will be up today at weigh in...that's normal for that time for me...but it'll be gone by Friday for sure!

My biggest concern these days is being in control on the weekends. This weekend we are going to a friend's house for a bday celebration which includes dinner and dessert. Now dinner should be okay I think...she tends to make healthy stuff so we'll see...as for dessert it's his bday so I can't control what's there...but I can control what I take and how much I eat of it. I only need a taste to make them not feel bad and I don't need anything for me...I just can't let the taste become more and more and more!!! Water will be my drink of choice NOT DIET PEPSI!!!!!

Hey let's check the list again.

1. Journalling - check
2. baseball - Monday done
3. P90X - I'll do XStretch today
4. water - working on it
5. no soda - did awesome yesterday and will repeat today
6. lactose free - I had yogurt and frozen yogurt...but I really don't want to cut out the yogurt (frozen yogurt I will but regular is so good for you and it's all natural with fruit so it's pure digestive enzyme goodness) so lactose free from now on will be everything but my yogurt at lunch and sometimes breakfast.
7. blog - check
8. honest and kind to me - yep so far so good ;)
9. Gabriel Method - had the I-Pod going last night...I think I could hear it better over the humidifier so even better...sorry Kev if you could still hear it.

So far so good....I'll get my P90X Stretching in today sometime and we'll be checking off all on the list for a first!!!! woohoo!!!!

Whooshaw Lisa :)

Day 2 - so tired but it's good

I can't stop yawning today! I had so much trouble getting out of bed. Seriously the last few weeks have been like that I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I don't know why! But I'm listening to my body as best I can...I mean I havn't gone to bed early as I'm addicted to my TV shows but finale's are coming up and it will be done soon yay!!! Tonight is BL and I'm all excited it's crunch time for them. My plan for tonight is to take Becca to Jazz, have a healthy dinner, get Becca ready for bed (bath, reading, etc) then do the Wii Fit while I watch BL likely the stepping exercises as I can do that while watching and it's fun. Kevin will be doing the treadmill tonight for sure!!!!! Right Kevin?!?! Last night we got home and Kev was supposed to do the treadmill while I got Becca ready for bed...only to open the door and find garbage all over the house. Yep our dog is pretty good and he doesn't tend to go for the garbage but there was some tin foil that fish had been grilled in that was just TOO appealing for him to resist. Now it wasn't in the garbage can in the kitchen...nope I had put it in a big garbage bag and put it in the laundry room to go outside the next time we went (only we forgot as we left for baseball oops) well he dragged it through the house all the way to the family room in the back of the house...so from the laundry room through the hallway, past the kitchen, into the living room was a trail of garbage...So Kevin's workout last night was picking up the trash, vacuuming, and then mopping the floors which he had just done on Saturday morning...what a good hubby he is. My floors are gleaming :)

Let's see here's the check list
1. journalling - check
2. baseball - of course
3. P90X - still not yet
4. water - check
5. no soda...dropped the ball yet again...but none today!!!!!
6. lactose free - sadly ice cream is in the house
7. blog - check
8. honest and kind to me - I will be today
9. Gabriel Method - every night although Kevin informed me last night that it's annoying so it looks like I'm back to listening to it on my I-Pod rather than the stereo at night.

Today is still fairly cool and I don't have time to walk at lunch as it's allergy needle day and it's supposed to rain the rest of the week (SUCKS LARGE). I've really been enjoying my lunch time walks.

I feel pretty good right now. I feel strong and yes I know my scale is still up but so be it. It will come back down when it's ready.

Back to my water I go :)

Baseball Game 2!

OMG That was sooo much fun. We had less people and we did better this week. I got my first official hit and made it to first base on my own accord...and then got out at second...also got walked to first later but our team got out while I was waiting to run. I played right and left field and rover and made an awesome play which we all thought got the runner out but the ump ruled safe and what the ump says goes. But what fun!!!!!!!! Seriously had a blast and my leg didn't start hurting until the last inning in the field funny enough not while I was running.

Just thought I'd let you all know my day ended much better than it started and I got a good workout in while having fun :)

Moody and Venting with other things

hmmm so I'm not sure what to say today. I'm moody as something should be starting soon...and I ate crap all weekend. yep I'm a weekend eater now and weekday dieter...not good. My weekend weight gain out weighs my weekday diet weight loss :( This weekend started with Friday night having a wrap that was actually quite good for me...then an ice cream cone (there goes the lactose thing) then some popcorn. Then Saturday I had a healthy breakfast, lunch was good too...as was dinner...then I went to the movies (Iron Man 2 loved it) I had popcorn with shakers, sweedish berries which my brother bought and a kit kat bar eek! Then Sunday morning (mother's day) My hubby made a special breakfast which I knew was going to be not good for me...it was Grilled blueberry and Mascarpone stuffed French Toast...it was like cheese cake wrapped in french toast...amazing...but more of a dessert than a breakfast...so yummy but very very rich!!! Anyway then I had grilled cheese for lunch, ice cream, cracker jacks (yep they still exist), dinner was maple salmon (had two sections) and sweet potato fries...and another ice cream!!! Now I know most of my weight is water weight and yes the food wasn't the best...but I"m hoping it's more TOM related and comes off easy (I can dream). Oh yeah and I had diet pepsi at the movies and last night at home...oops

I'm drinking my water but it's not going down as easy as I want it too...I'm usually onto my second litre by now...gotta step that up a notch!!!

I have my healthy lunch packed and I'm not actually taking a lunch today as I have to go buy tickets for Becca's dance recital after work and I'm leaving early to get in line. Tonight I have baseball!!!! I'm excited as always but I really am not feeling on the ball today so I hope I feel better by then.

Oh yeah I woke up light headed and dizzy today...likely from getting up too fast and TOM and allergies...they all do that to me at times....lucky me it's all at once today. I'm getting through it all no problem just hoping the water flushes things out of my system and really want my "friend" to start so I can be me again!!!! Be moody sucks...especially when in your head you are saying don't say that...and be nicer...but you just sound like a bitch anyway. It was freezing in the office today and they've had the A/C on for weeks now...today it's 13 degrees forcast for the high today...I came in and freaked on the guys...it's so cold in here...I put on the heat and said this is ridiculous I'm frozen and there's no need for it to be 12 degrees in our section...yep it was 12 degrees!!!!!!! Are you friggen kidding me!!!! Still mad thinking about it! See...moody!!!!

Mother's Day

I've been told breakfast will not be diet friendly today!!! Of course the popcorn at the movies last night wasn't either :) Good news is once I was told breakfast was going to be not so healthy we sat down and planned to have a healthy lunch and dinner to go with it.

I didn't do so well with my water yesterday...got hardly any at all and I had a soda at the movies which I planned on (so bad I know). Today however will be no soda and will entail loads of water to help flush the movie snacks and breakfast this morning ;)

Hope all the mommy's have a great day...I'm told I get to do what I want today. So I've opted for comfy clothes and possibly a TV day but I want to get some exercise in as well...oh and I have to do laundry...some things don't stop because it's mother's day :)

I love walking

I went for a walk on my lunch hour and we did the full hour it was awesome. Three of us girls from the office went and it was nice to stretch my legs and use some muscles. We even broke a good sweat which we didn't notice so much until we got back to the car to go back to work. You see the wind was blowing big time...it was nice as it was resistance at the beginning...then we turned around and couldn't see for our hair being blown about LOL. So we didn't notice how hard we had worked until we were out of the wind in the car and then all three of us were sweating LOL. Good work out!!!!! I love it! And I'm going to have more exercise tonight...Kevin and I and maybe some of his team mates are going to practice at the diamond after dinner. I want to try and see if I'm any good at pitching...and I'd like to work on my batting as well.

Well it's Thursday...one more day of the work week. I'm so focused right now on weight loss that I get frustrated that I have to go to work instead of working out like on BL...if only they'd come to Canada...I would apply to go on that show!!! Imagine Jillian and Bob screaming...sounds so nice...in a sick masochistic way I suppose LOL. Being away from family would be hard but think of how much you could give back to them when you are done.

Oh and here's an update on my list from the other day.

1. Journal - check every day completed
2. Baseball - Monday check
3. P90X - hasn't happened NEED TO WORK ON THIS
4. Water - every day check...although a little behind today.
5. No Soda - three days and counting check
6. Lactose Free - *sigh* oh cheese how art thee...check sadly wait no...I have yogurt everyday!!! that's not lactose free!!!! crap
7. Blog - sir yes sir...check
8. Honest and kind to myself - I'll say yes...I haven't been hugging myself but I haven't been criticizing myself either :)
9. Gabriel Method - every night check!!!

So far so good on the list...need to work on looking in the mirror and finding good things and P90X!!!! oh and be MORE lactose free :(

IT REALLY WORKS!!!

BIGGEST LOSER ALERT

okay it's not rocket science and we've proven it time and time again but I have to say it now that I've had a few good days...sticking with healthy eating really works!!! My scale was down 2 lbs from yesterday...you know why...no chocolate bars at lunch, no closet eating, I was honest with myself and everyone here, and most importantly no night snacks. Well I had a snack but not popcorn (which always throws me off course and not ice cream)...I had a smoothie. I had smoothies almost every night as a snack at the beginning of my true weight loss in January and it worked then...you know what...it works now too. The smoothies are sweet and healthy and keeps me satisfied until morning. The perfect snack!

I might not be lighter than I was 2 or 3 weeks ago but I'm back on track and that means I'll be lighter soon...I was hovering and then started to gain little by little...I was in denial! I thought cause i cheated once I could do it over and over again...but that just leads to a complete derailment for me. I know it'll happen again...we all do it and really it's likely our body resets during that time...but I'm back for now and I'm hoping not to be derailed again for a long while. It's like a little kid...you can say no to a toy over and over again and they are good with it but one day they just have that temper tantrum...I was having my temper tantrum...and now I've calmed down and realized that I can move on.

Oh and the other thing that I've proven time and time again...soda makes you gain weight or at least not lose weight...I only drink diet and yet it still happens. Soda is evil. And yet I fall back on that one the most. It's like once I have one I want more and more...I suppose that's how they get you. It's so bad for you in so many ways...teeth, weight, skin...you name it soda affects it...carbonation is not healthy and aspartame is worse. Diet soda is worse than regular soda...at least with regular you know you are having something unhealthy and aren't being tricked into thinking you are doing something good for your body. If you drank regular chances are you'd only have 1 here or there...but have diet and you drink 2-5 a day...crazy!!! So I cut out soda yesterday and my weight drops as well...hmmm

No exercise last night...I enjoyed my smoothie while watching the Biggest Loser...it was makeover week and I always love that episode. Although I didn't care for the sylist this time...if you have to say you are the go-to person for hair styling...chances are you're not. I felt so bad for Michael still having to shop alone...that part was sad but he looks great even if he is 300 lbs.

Alright on with the rest of my day, tonight is going to be crazy busy so I need to be organized to make sure I stay on track.

Baseball and new beginnings

Well I did it. I played my first game of baseball last night and it felt awesome!!!! We only got to play the one game out of our double header as the town forgot to turn on the main breaker for the lights at the park so they had someone come out and turn them on BUT by that time it was too late to start our game as there was another game for 9:30 behind us so we had our game postponed. But I had soooo much fun playing. I didn't get on base (2 hits but they got the ball to first before I got there and the second one they caught on the fly). But I hit and that felt great. Our team lost 16-0 but that's okay...we had fun and that's all that matters.

Okay now to fess up!!!! I can't be bothered to write it all again so I'm copying and pasting from an email to Kevin earlier :)...the fessing up is #6

A couple things happened this morning that kind of gave me some new resolve…I know I have a long way to go still when it comes to beating this but I’ll get there.


1. I watched the video and looked at the pics from last night (me playing baseball)…didn’t look too bad but not happy with how much better I could be if I just focused on this weight loss
2. Our conversation (he wants me to ask for help as do Jacqui and Lisa...I have the support I should use it)
3. had a lot of water
4. read the comments on my blog
5. read the comments on WLW on the board that I had posted to yesterday so many people felt the same way and reading the responses was so encouraging
6. then I commented on my day yesterday on that board…I was determined not to buy anything yesterday (this is me telling you) I went to the lake to eat and then go for a walk…I got down there and bug’s swarmed the car…anyone walking along the path was swatting and spitting the bugs out all along the path so I did up the windows and thought I’ll eat my lunch in here and see if they go away…only to find out that my dressing seemed off or maybe my tastebuds were…not sure…ended up going to the store and getting a wrap and TWO chocolate bars…downed it so fast and wanted more…but instead of finding an excuse to leave and go to the store (I was at my desk at this point) I decided to eat my orange and surprisingly that cured the craving…apparently my body WAS starving but for nutrients not crap…once I had the orange and the cravings were gone I drank a ton of water and then well you know the rest…baseball, dinner, etc…but writing about it on the board today made me really realize how powerful that orange was…I didn’t even want it…I wanted more crap but I made myself eat it and it really was what my body wanted but my brain was trying to take over. But that helped me to really feel strong today.


So after all that I went for lunch and I knew I had to go to the store to pick up stuff for dinner tonight...and I DID IT...I didn't cave. I was so strong and thought about a couple of things as I passed them but then thought nope I'm good...so I picked up a flavoured water instead...I also save my orange from lunch for this afternoon when I get a little peckish :) Need to buy more fruit.

hmmm

Well I clearly have got to be more focused on healthy choices. I'm getting the activity in but my food choices are still terrible. I'm like a kid on hallowe'en night dying to rip into all the goodies...I just can't get enough and then I feel sick after I've eaten such crap. And I'm being delusional thinking I'm doing okay...I'm so out of control. Both of us are really.

Yesterday Kevin and I went to a park and did a little coaching session for my first softball game tonight!!! EEEEK! And Saturday I went to the local highschool and walked/ran the track for 30 minutes. Did about 2km but can only run about 100 metres at a time and then it takes more than 100 metres to catch my breath...hmmm 5 weeks until the 5K gotta get going on that. Sadly I noticed something Saturday and then again on Sunday...my weight has finally affected me! I know weird right. I've been overweight so long but I've managed fine...sure I can't run and play with Becca so easily but I've always made it work. Saturday my weight directly affected what I could do on the track and again yesterday at the park. I have Varicose Veins in my left leg. I've always just thought of them as veins close to the skin but in the last little while they've become more prominent as my weight went up. Now that I'm getting active they are starting to ache..well more than ache they actually hurt. At first I thought I was getting a shin splint again (as I've had those before) but then I noticed it was just the one leg and it was only hurting EXACTLY where my veins were visible...and they are starting to be raised!!!!! It runs in my family but I really had hoped it wouldn't come to this!!!

The catch 22 is this...to make the veins better I need to lose weight...to lose weight I need to exercise...but exercise hurts the veins!!!! I know I have to suck it up buttercup and just deal with it...but I'm just so frustrated and mad at myself for letting things get so out of control for so long!!!! To quote Cher....if I could turn back time!!!!! *sigh* okay enough of the pity party. Time to kick things up a notch...here's the plan (I always do better with a plan :) )

1. Journalling starts again today...been a little lazy with that and not just what I'm supposed to eat but everything that goes in my mouth gets written down...if I have a chocolate bar I'm writing it down...I'm lying to me when I don't!
2. Enjoy Baseball every Monday
3. Start P90X that helped me stay on track really well
4. DRINK MY WATER!!!!!
5. cut out soda even diet
6. Live lactose free and see if that helps me again...I'll miss you cheese :(
7. Blog each day to keep myself on track
8. Be honest and kind to myself
9. Continue Gabriel Method

I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS...for me!

Thanks Girls...3 Amigos are back baby!!!

Well here we are!!! The 3 Amigos and we have BIG plans all of us.

Below is a pic of me...the before was from Jan 15 of this year...the after was last week...comp ended on WLW and even though I felt like I hadn't done so much I lost 5% and you can start to see changes...so that's enough to be inspiring. The comp leader spliced the photos and I just saw it today...so another reason to feel great today :)




Goal is to be at goal or at least really close to it by September...and the reward? A trip with the girls...horseback riding, hiking, spa!!!! I LOVE IT!!!! Of course Hubby has to approve it too...if it's in Cuba he won't let me go without him (only fair seeing as we've never been out of Canada/US together...not even a honeymoon). He's not controlling or anything like that...complete opposite really, but I wouldn't like it if he went someplace we've never been before without me so I understand. But I'm determined to go someplace with my girls so name the place and we'll work it all out. I'm so excited about it.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU Lisa and Jacqui!!!!! Yesterday was a bad day and could have been a huge downward spiral but you guys lifted me out of it...and this morning I woke up feeling like I could conquer the world. I've really started doing the visualizations from the Gabriel Method and I honestly can see me in that body...I mean I know I haven't changed that much yet but I can see the possibilities and what needs to change to get there...so amazing!!!! You girls have opened my eyes to a world of possibilities that I always wanted but really didn't know how to get to :)

I wanted Kevin to read the book too, but I know it's a little too wishy washy for him...he's not really into alternative thinking...he's more this is how it is and that's how I'm going to do it...basically a guy LOL. But I came across one section in the Gabriel Method about the non diet, chapter 9 actually. I told him I wanted him to just read these few pages and so he started to read it...next thing you know I'm hearing hmmm's and oohhh's :) I don't think he'll read the whole thing but you know what that's okay as long as he gets the idea of the process I'm good with that. He's reading Master your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels which is very similar but very analytical and gives the reasons why you should be eating this way, etc that's more his style and perfect. Gabriel Method is more psychological and maybe one day he'll be ready for that but until then...1 chapter of this and the night CD (yep he listens because I listen to it on our stereo at night) and reading Jillian Michaels and we are pretty well on the same page which is all I want. He keeps saying he's going to be a strong independent woman who doesn't need to smoke (friend's reference when Chandler was quitting smoking listening to a subliminal message CD at night) LOL...he makes me laugh so much.

So here's to the 3 Amigos and my tag along Kevin :) BTW he's getting so close to goal weight. He's halfway there!!!!

Here's to kicking it up a bunch of notches and kicking some major butt!!!!

meh

Feeling a little Meh...I hate saying this because I've been trying to be so positive lately. I know the last two weeks have been off track so to say...and the scale reflected that yesterday. UP 4.5 lbs...that comp ended and I ate super awful this weekend. I'm talking Tim Horton's, New York Fries, Manicotti, cakes, chocolate eclairs...really what did I expect...there's more...alot of popcorn and pop...but I just can't be bothered to write it all down.

Either way I have to dust myself off and get back to it. Yesterday after lunch I was so positive and then this morning I'm blah. Maybe it's TOM coming soon or maybe it's just a bit of the blues because I'm not where I want to be. Either way I need out of this funk but I really kind of just need a blah day...sounds bad I know but we all need a woe is me day and it looks like today is it...who knows I might come back from lunch all happy and positive again like yesterday...going to do my smart mode session at the lake...but I make no promises!

Honestly (and this isn't meant to make anyone feel guilty) I've missed my amigos...they kind of just fell off the face of the earth for a while...and obviously they had their reasons and maybe they just needed that to regroup but I miss them and I didn't realize how much I depended on them being here. But in the future I can't let someone else being thrown off course throw me off course. Gotta figure that out too.

blah blah blah

UPDATE: went to the lake at lunch...didn't cheer me up like it usually does...in fact I feel like I have my own personal storm cloud over my head LOL. I managed to drown my sorrows in chocolate instead...that's okay...I know this is the bottom of that pit of despair so it's only up from here. See there's a little light shining through my cloud I just needed to accept the mood and now it's lightening...even if only a little.

1 week to baseball.

Well it's only 1 week until Baseball starts...and our first night is a double header!!!! I'm so excited and nervous. Kevin and I have been tossing the ball around a bit in preperation...but I haven't done any sprinting so here's hoping I kill the ball so I have time to run the bases :) Tonight we won't have much time to play as we are going to a friend's house to meet their baby. So when I get home hopefully I'll have enough energy to hit the treadmill for a few minutes...try doing some sprinting and see how I do.

Either way I'm not worried...our team seems to be a pretty laid back group. I'm just going to have some fun and enjoy the fitness side of it. I will push myself don't get me wrong. I will try to improve over the season and be the best player I can be no matter how the team places. I'm not a star player yet but I'd like to be :) I'll work my way there...there's always room for improvement and I'd like to make that room a lot smaller :)

Weight loss has kind of stalled out the last 2 weeks...completely my fault...or lack of determination might be a better way to say it. I didn't really have the drive and we ate out alot in the last two weeks...and a lot of popcorn. Time to focus yet again I know broken record. But it will be alot of broken record until I get to where I want to be so suck it up butter cup ;)

I think I need to incorporate my lunches into my fitness routine as well. I go to the lake but end up reading instead of walking. So far it's been because it's chilly down there...but I can bring my running shoes and a warm coat and just do it!!! starting tomorrow...got the sandals on today.

Wii Fit while watching Biggest Loser

So Last night instead of sitting watching BL and eating popcorn or anything else in the house I decided to do the free step on the Wii Fit. It felt so good. I did 45 minutes and even worked up a sweat...not like on the show but enough that I know I worked a little :) Then after I did sit on the couch but I didn't eat anything...I had two big glasses of water and enjoyed the rest of the show.

This morning I woke up and the scale said I was down 2.2 lbs....thank you very much. I'll take it!!!!! I know it won't be like that every day but obviously that weight was wanting to come off of me and just needed that little bit of a push :) yay me!

Last week I hit the 20 lbs down mark yeah baby!! That's since just before Christmas...Don't remember if I mentioned it or not and I can't be bothered to go back and read if I did...yep being lazy

Hoping to get in a walk or run or a combo of some sort tonight with the family.

back at it yet again

Took that weekend off to enjoy our anniversary and well you know how it goes...eat bad, forget weighing yourself...no accountability. So I stepped on the scale yesterday and I was up 2 lbs. no biggie I expected worse really. So this morning I was down 0.4 of that...I will work it off a bit at a time!!! Drinking my lakes of water to help that!

Also got back on the Wii fit this morning. Becca and I love our Wii fit time together. It's a fun way to start the day and usually helps with how much of a bear she is in the morning. Usually it's groans and 5 more minutes please or just violent kicking of the legs on the bed...but if I go in and say do you want to do Wii fit this morning I usually get a sure or a yes please mommy. Love it! Today I actually had her up early enough for a bath AND Wii fit it's usually a bed time bath or skip the Wii this time we got both in!

I have to restart my push up/sit up challenge on May 1st I forgot to do it part way through last week and just remembered today oops! Also gotta start running tonight!!!! Going to suggest a family walk to the track and see how far we can run before we have to stop...then the goal will be to beat that the next time :) I'm hoping they go for it. Oh crap we can't it's Jazz night!!! d'oh Tuesday nights are busy...can't wait for that to be done. The recital is June 6th and then Tuesdays are ours again!!!!

6 weeks until the High Park 5K with my girls!!!! Are you ready? I'm not even close LOL. Here's to kickin' some butt in the next 6 weeks!!!!

Wii Fit

Becca and I have been waking up a little bit earlier and playing Wii Fit together. She loves it and so do I really. We each do our body test and then play a game or two...she varies I tend to go for either step or hula hoop. I updated her height and it changed her BMI so much that instead of being in the "at risk of overweight" category she is now well within the "normal healthy" range YAY!!! She was concerned because we had set it to maintain her weight and because the BMI changed it said she was deviating from her goal but I told her not to worry about it...she's perfect just the way she is and we just need to readjust her goal again. I don't want her to think about that stuff too much...no point in making the scale a big thing for her because it's not...she's perfect no matter what. But it felt so good to me to know that she was in the healthy range rather than at risk no parent wants to hear their child is at risk even if it is from a game that is set with insanely low weight limits. It doesn't take into account anything but weight and height so I take it with a grain of salt. It says our friend is overweight and he is super skinny but because he's just a bit heavier than what they say is normal...whatever...I'm blabbing on again. The good news is that Becca is doing great and loving the morning exercise and so am I.

It said I was down as well...and I'm pretty sure it has everything to do with just plain old having fun. I've been reading the Gabriel Method like I mentioned and it keeps talking about training your brain to think skinny...I've been eating worse than I was but my weight is going down and I'm sure it's everything to do with just having fun with my family and being in a good place psychologically. I don't need to be fat because life is good...my body doesn't need to protect me anymore by being fat. My body is listening to me :) YAY!

Oh and personal victory today...I put on a pair of capris that were way too tight last summer...in fact I bought them in the summer and they ended up too tight way too quickly...but I put them on today and they are baggy!!!! This is huge...1. because I was hoping they would fit and wasn't expecting them to not last much longer because they are going to be too lose and 2. because they are stretchy so they were REALLY REALLY tight last summer and to have them loose when they are stretchy material means that I really am that much smaller.

Today I'm going to the lake not sure if it will be reading or walking...depends on if it's windy and how I feel. I enjoyed sitting there reading in my car with the sun and heat beaming down on me. But if it's nice enough I think a walk might be in order for today :)

baseball

Well today is the official meeting to sign up for softball eeeeee! I think I've decided to do it. In fact I have! I'm nervous and excited but that's okay it's another big step for me.

1. I've never played on a team before (parent's never put us in sports)
2. I'm joining alone
3. It's out of my comfort zone
4. It's going to push me to strive to do better
5. It's going to be sooooo much fun

So we meet tonight to sign up and pay our fees, etc. Then we start our games in May sometime. Honestly I just can't wait to get that schedule and just start playing already.

Becca has decided not to play this year...and that's okay I won't force her even though I hate the idea of her quitting but she said she's afraid of the ball and we will work on that playing catch, etc...then next year if she WANTS to play she can. We were never put in sports but I'm not about to force it on her either. So this year she wants to take golf lessons (it's only a 1 week session which is great) and swimming lessons (which are a must in my eyes but she LOVES it so it's not an issue anyway). She is a natural in the water. I can't wait to see how she does this year. Gymnastics and Jazz go until school ends and we will take a break from those for the summer. So summer will be golf, swimming and then maybe a camp or two we'll see about $$$$ I'd love to put her in whatever she'd like but it's just alot of money.

I'm just so excited to add in another fun fit thing to do and it might keep Becca interested in sports.

Oh and I exercised last night with Becca. She did Cardio X but I decided I wanted to do something different...so she did that while I supervised (made sure she didn't hurt herself) and I did the mini trampoline, hula hoop, my push ups and sit ups and then I went and played Wii Fit for 30 minutes. So much fun...I felt like a kid last night and it was awesome. As for the Wii Fit I hadn't stepped on that board for 244 days (eek how does time fly so fast)...but it was nice to see it say I was down 7.9 lbs from last time. And I did it this morning as well as I've decided to do the Wii Fit in the mornings and then whatever else I choose in the evenings. Keep it fun and interesting. Becca is doing the Wii Fit with me as well. She stepped on it last night and has gained (of course she's a kid and growing so I've explained that she has different goals in mind). We talked about maintaining weight and gaining at a healthy rate not too much or too little. It said she was at risk of being overweight. I told her it's okay not to worry it's just a scale and she should go by how she feels. But with that being said it's time for less screen lazy time and more fun outside stuff. She is fairly fit but has a gut now (not that I would say it to her) and she gives up so easily when trying to do things (we are working on the whole practice makes perfect thing she's definitely improving on not giving up so soon). I have to be honest it scared me a bit to see at risk for her. But that's okay we set her goal to maintain (didn't want to say lose weight to her not needed she'll naturally thin out as she does more). and we set her goal for 2 weeks from now so that we can reassess it then...I think at her age we expect her to gain as she grows but I want to keep it in a healthy range BMI and all that. Oh I just thought of something she wasn't on it for 244 days either and we haven't updated her height since she first stepped on it ages ago...she's grown like a weed I bet her height is all wrong on it...I'll update that and see what it says later. She's probably exactly where she should be. My average little girl (I think she's extraordinary but she's always been smack dab in the middle of average on height and weight since she was born LOL) .

Blabbered on again sorry guys :)

UPDATE: just told a friend at work about joining baseball tonight and she's decided to come along and meet the team with me and join up as well...yay Courtney (she's uber fit and has played before but I was joining before she decided anyway so it's just a bonus I might still be the least experienced on the team but who cares it's going to be fun)

push up/sit up challenge and some ramblings

Well today is the 9th so we are at 9 push ups and 18 sit ups. Funny I've been doing mine in the evening instead of first thing in the morning and my Becca is doing it with me...she's loving it. She sits on my feet while I'm doing my sit ups and gives me a kiss when I get up to the top :) What a cutie...then I hold her feet too. She's doing the man push ups while I do the girly ones LOL.

I didn't do any other fitness the last two nights...just wasn't feeling it...must be the weather yuck.

Okay just so you know the next thing is just some ramblings about some personal feelings I've had lately...so you've been warned it's long winded and has nothing to do with fitness and honestly probably doesn't make much sense.

Tonight my BFF is coming over with her kids which I'm super excited about. I just hope I can keep my eating clean I tend to eat crappy when she's around. Which is funny because she doesn't eat crappy for the most part...she is super skinny and goes to the gym 5 times a week and is one of those people who can control her food intake no problem (maybe a little too much at some points ;) but she's good about keeping it in check). She's been through so much in the last few years but she's at a point where all her hard work is about to pay off big time. She went back to college and is about to graduate with a new career and I couldn't be more proud of her and she's hoping to move back to where we live so that's another work out buddy :) I've missed her so much...it'll be interesting to see how she and her kids will mesh in with us in our quest for fitness. I don't want to just abandon my hubby (as I tend to do without really knowing it when she's around...gotta work on including him when she's there) as he and I are a team on this journey...but I can't see excluding her either. I feel like over the last few years I haven't been there for her as much as I could have been. Maybe because our lives went in very different directions and our social circles have changed. But we are still the same two people and yes our lives may be different but the foundation of our friendship remains unchanged. She doesn't read this so I'm sure at some point I'll have to talk to her about all of this...I think I just needed to air it out a bit so that I could make sense of it all for me right now. I think the big thing was I just didn't know where I fit into her life when she "moved". She was so busy and for the most part I figured it was school but she had time for other people in her life so then I started to worry if things had just changed too much and she didn't have time for me. Then I realized how selfish that was of me but it was there. The last little while we've started to see her around a little more and it feels just like it used to. I know there's room in her life for us now it'll just be interesting to see what that dynamic will be like when she moves back down. I'm not worried just curious now. I know she must be insanely nervous as this is a huge step that she's been dreaming about for a long time. I just want her to be happy and to rekindle that friendship no matter how it's changed. I've missed having her around in my life and I've missed being there for her.

So I guess my biggest things are these:

1. I want her to be happy but I want her to move close to us where I can be there for her more :) that and having her as a neighbour was always one of our dreams.
2. I know things have changed (but in a good way) but I just want my friend back
3. I have to remember to pay attention to my hubby as I can lose that balance between those two (yes Kev you will always be my BFF too)
4. It's selfish but I want her to want to spend time with us whether she's busy or not (we used to spend every weekend together as families no word of a lie...people used to feel neglected because we spent so much time at each other's places).
5. Most importantly I want her to know that even though her life has changed so much I will always be there for her and I need her too.
6. That needing her thing is a new realization really...I mean I always knew I liked having her around but I do need her in my life not just on the outskirts where she's been. She's been that missing link in our lives. I need that girl time and it's just not the same if it's not her.
7. I have to remember not to ignore my other friends...really just have to mash them all together at the same time and just let it be what it is...Alesha gets along with anyone so she'll mesh with any group we could possibly have over.

okay I've rambled long enough and feel like I'm repeating myself. I'm sure this isn't done but it's given me alot to mull over and it was nice to get it all out there (although Kev knew most of this...I'm lucky to have him to listen to me even in my darkest times of missing my friend).